1. When you are having a bad day, say that you are having the second worst day of your life. When someone asks you what happened on the worst day of your life, tell him that was the day your mother killed herself on the way to prison to serve a jail sentence.
2. When you are having a great day, say that you are having the second best day of your life. When someone asks you what happened on the best day of your life, tell him that was the day you won the lottery and decided to give all your money away to friends and kind strangers in $10,000 increments.
3. When you are eating a slice of pie, tell people that it is the third best slice of pie you have ever eaten. When they ask about the other slices, tell them one had an engagement ring in it and the other one was made out of meat.
4. When you are swimming in a public pool, go number two.
5. When you are going to a party, bring a really good-looking baby. When someone compliments you on the cuteness of your baby, say “Thanks, but this is only my second cutest baby.” When your new friend says “ORLY?,” you say, “At home I have a shrunken fetus in a jar that I dress up in comical outfits.”
6. On a river tubing trip, make sure you drink enough rum punch so that you will throw up on the car ride home and then cry because you threw up.
7. Make sure you eat a lot of fried chicken, Doritos, and chocolate chip cookies before said trip.
8. Make sure that all your older brother’s med school friends see you throw up, but they don’t offer you first aid because they are too drunk off Natural Light.
9. Make sure you call your brother lots of times to thank him for cleaning up your parents’ van.
10. Take a trip somewhere exotic, and then host a slide show while serving expensive hors d’oeuvres like brie cheese and sushi. Then give everyone cash for coming over.