Rejection Letters

Now that I am finally sending out some of my work, I am surprised that my fragile ego can handle rejection. Because the rejection letters from lit journals and magazines haven’t been completely crushing me, I wonder why I didn’t start sending out my stories earlier. Here is the cover letter I sent to McSweeney’s a month ago, and their rejection letter that arrived in my mailbox today:

MY LETTER

Dear Mr. McSweeney,

I am writing with a romantic inquiry.

I am certain that my extraordinary first novel, entitled The Existential Diet, will be published to great acclaim. Furthermore I assure you that not only am I a gifted writer, I am also an attractive woman in my mid 20’s and I know that my face will light up the book jacket. However I fear that my future publisher will select a shade of pink or teal to color said book jacket. Because my novel explores weight (gain and loss), celebrities (blonde and brunette), and love affairs (lesbian and otherwise), and because I happen to be young, carefree, and good-looking, I suspect that I will be unfairly targeted as a writer of so-called Chick Lit.

I have thought deeply about this matter, in between counting calories and writing in my diary, and I have come up with a solution to my problem. When I assessed the romantic status of popular Chick Lit authors, I found that they, much like their books’ heroines, are unlucky in love. I came to the conclusion that if I were to become lucky in love, then perhaps my debut novel would be treated with a more literary, earth-toned amount of respect.

Mr. McSweeney, I am not proposing marriage, or even an exclusive commitment. I am looking for a relationship somewhere between flirty office emails and spooning to sleep on a nightly basis, something befitting your reputation as a gentleman and mine as a talented and physically stunning young author. The advantages of this arrangement will by no means be one-sided. I ask you to think of the attention you will get, walking into your next literary salon with me grafted firmly to your side.

Thank you for your consideration of this matter. I will patiently await your response, to be mailed to me at your leisure in the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope, sprayed liberally with my perfume.

Sincerely,

Wistar Watts Murray

REJECTION LETTER

Dear Witstar Watts Murray,

Many thanks for your recent submission ‘The Existential Diet!’

Unfortunately, due to the large amount of manuscripts we receive and small amount we can annually publish, we are unable to take your work further.

Mr. McSweeney’s was tempted by your romantic proposition but alas, he is already taken.

Again, thanking you for letting us read your writing.

Kind regards,

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