For the past three years, my fingernails have been a popular topic of conversation in my household. My fingernails: Are they in my mouth again? Are they being shredded by my cuticle nippers? Will they ever look normal? Can you please stop gnawing at them – I’m trying to watch TV without getting grossed out. (Answers: Yes. Yes. No. No.) Last night, after much struggle, I finally put on the fake acrylic nails that I bought last week in order to look pretty for vacation.
D: Are you going to put the nails on tonight?
W: Yes. Yes I am. Just give me time to adjust to the idea and say goodbye.
D: That’s been your excuse for a week.
W: I don’t think you realize the intensity of this emotional attachment.
…Two hours later…
D: Are you going to put the nails on?
W: Yes, I just need a few last bites.
Much hand-washing, sighing, and guilt-tripping ensues.
W: The chemicals in this nail glue are probably going to give me cancer.
At bedtime…
W: I can’t take my contacts out with these stupid nails. Can you fix the sheets? I can’t fix them with these godforsaken nails. I feel completely ineffectual. I feel like you forced me to get a lobotomy. I feel abandoned by my best friends. Today I wore my hair all wispy around my face the way you like it and I put on the nails. I am basically your slave.
D: I have lost my sense of humor about this.
Where you going in those nails?
Can I get a description? How long, what colour etc.?
I am taking these nails to New York City and Montreal tomorrow. They are Broadway brand “Real Life French” in Peach. They are the “Most Natural Looking Nail in the World,” yet I had to cut half an inch off them just so I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital every time I tried to pick my nose. Darren wants me to put nail polish on them but I told him not to push his luck.
I put on fake nails for my 17th birthday. I actually PAID to get them put on by someone else. I cut them down the next day…and started chewing the acrylic the day after that. Less than a week later, they looked worse than my own chewed-up nails…
Tell D. that the only way he’ll understand your pain is to wear them for a day. Wait… yah!