I had to eat so much chocolate! Since I haven’t been drinking lately, the calories have to come from somewhere. Tonight I started with See’s. Then I moved onto Gearheart’s. Then my dad went out to the trunk of his car and came back to the kitchen table with a dish of chocolate bars arranged like flowers, a Boss’s Day gift from the nurses at his office.
I’ve seen a lot of bouquets in my life. I’ve seen them made from fruit. I’ve seen them made from flowers, both paper and plastic. I have eaten lollipop roses. But I had never seen a candy bouquet before tonight. These craft-store-happy entrepreneurs took a glue gun and attached dozens of fun-sized Snickers and Baby Ruth bars to sharpened sticks. Then they used the sticks to impale a crusty piece of green styrofoam lodged in a cat’s water bowl. The resulting bouquet is like peering deep into a bottomless bag of Halloween candy from the rich peoples’ neighborhood, i.e. peering deep into heaven. It looks like you’ll never make it to the bottom of the chocolate, but then the thing topples and almost stabs you in the neck while you’re battling the styrofoam for the last KitKat. And you discover that the middle of the bouquet is stuffed with tissue paper colored like plastic wrappers for camouflage. And when the candy is gone you are left with a bunch of sharp sticks with trash stuck to them. What then? Toss them on the grill like garbage kebabs?
I am going to get a raging case of diabetes.
Gentlemen, please take note. Send me expensive chocolates and flowers separately. Unless you can figure out how to make live daisies taste like ice cream (Lynsie, I am putting you on the case here), I’d like my bouquets sans plastic wrap and high fructose corn syrup.