Monthly Archives: December 2007

When I was a little girl reading Seventeen Magazine, YM, Cosmopolitan, and Penthouse Letters, I quickly realized that their relationship quizzes were for chumps. The answers were always so obvious. “Are you a jealous girlfriend? When you see your boyfriend flirting with the pretty Gap salesgirl at the mall, do you: a) punch him in the balls; b) slink away to Sbarro’s because he obviously found someone better than you to go out with; or c) approach him amiably and put your arm around him, asking him if he has seen the Gap’s holiday collection of flannel boxers? If you chose a, you need to keep the green-eyed monster in check. If you chose b, you need to stand up for yourself more. If you chose c, you are really good at passing these quizzes.” The girls that were the greatest friends, girlfriends, and lovers when judged by the women’s magazine criteria were always the bitchiest, loneliest, most virginal girls when judged by my own criteria. That’s why I started subscribing to Playgirl at thirteen. Playgirl wasn’t constantly testing me, trying to find out what kind of person I was. Playgirl just said, “Hey, here are some fanciful pictures of penises for you, from me.” I was like a) I love you; b) You’re handsome; c) Let’s go steady. That was gross and not true at all.

Anyway the other day Noelle sent me a link to this Tickle personality test called Is He “the One”? I think there’s also a version for men. I still don’t know if Darren’s the one because the test didn’t ask about whether or not he was willing to give me the fifteen children I desire. The Tickle site features emotionally relevant quizzes like “Could You Be Seduced By a Celeb Babe?”, inexplicable quizzes like “What Kind of Swashbuckling Pirate Are You?”, and essential quizzes for clueless women like “Are You Having Enough Sex?” I learned a lot about myself, and about how I spend my time. If I was more active on MySpace I would publish my test results for all my friends, but then everyone on the internet would know that I’m a sex-crazed buccaneer who could easily be seduced into a six-way with the Spice Girls. Did you guys know that the Spice Girls are back? Well it’s true. They are back.