Daily Archives: March 13, 2008

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I’ve been going about this book deal thing all wrong

Ashley Alexandra Dupre has her finger on the pulse. Hooker books sell.

Advice to VA Festival of the Book authors from a local gal

Seriously, writers. How psyched are you to be coming to Charlottesville, Virginia? Can you believe the Festival is almost here, practically on top of us, like the imminent eruption of a volcano? Can you believe that in just TWO WEEKS you will be consorting with local people and students in a sedate, literary atmosphere? Can you stand it? God, I’m excited.

I want all you writers to enjoy yourselves in Charlottesville so you will return some day soon with more deep thoughts and dollar bills. I want you to spend your Festival of the Book time not only talking about books (bleh, right?), but also absorbing some local flavor. In keeping with this sentiment, I invite you to a sleepover at my house lasting Wednesday through Saturday nights. If you haven’t already booked a hotel, please come over. I will serve a continental breakfast between 7 and 11 every morning. I don’t think the Omni does that. At least not on paper plates.

I also want to offer you dining advice. Whether you’re in the mood for Spanish, pan-Asian, diner, French, gastro-pub, or Mexican food, we have a restaurant for you. I will escort you to the finest restaurants in town in exchange for a free meal. If you want to survey the culinary territory in advance, cVillain has the best restaurant gossip. You can also check out the C-Ville restaurant listings, but they haven’t been editorialized. Please write to me before you try to eat out on your own.

Bookstores! We have a bunch, but the best one to get lost in is Daedalus on the Downtown Mall. New Dominion is right around the corner from Daedalus if you’re interested in buying books nobody else has handled or possibly sweat upon while running on a treadmill.

Coffee shops! Writers have an uncanny ability to sniff out coffee shops when they’re on assignment out of town. But I like C-Ville Coffee. Wireless access, cute barristas, and no hipsters* (because the manic kids climbing on the giant wooden turtle have run them off).

I need advice on what additional advice to offer. What more do you writers need besides food and books and places to laptop? We have a sex boutique, but I really want you guys to keep the weekend clean. We have some Thomas Jefferson odds and ends, but I’d prefer you to focus on me. Oh! I almost forgot booze. We have plenty of places to drink booze, but stay away from the UVA bars unless you are a 21-year-old literary prodigy who also likes Jagermeister. Come downtown with me. I will show you where the mature intellects hang out. In Eliot Spitzer’s pants! HAHA!

*Although – full disclosure – sometimes I wear my skinny jeans.

It’s a Mimbo day

Nothing but blue skies and Mimbos. What is Mimbo, you ask? You can find out for $89.99. On the other hand, if the word “widgetized” means nothing to you, then Mimbo might remain a dream you will never realize.

Giving birth in hot tubs (this post is for my lady readers)

Giving birth in hot tubs = not cool. I Stumbled upon a birthing stories website yesterday and was horrified to find pictures of a lady in a bathing suit delivering a child in her patio hot tub. Her husband and daughters looked on while she pulled her one-piece aside and pushed out a baby. Later she wrapped herself in a bathrobe and went to take a shower.

Hot tubs are for drinking beer out of cans and making out, NOT for soaking in afterbirth. I’d link you to the website but I don’t want to offend the mother. Plus she’d know immediately that I am less of a woman than she is. Babies are cute and they make me laugh and cause my uterus to flutter, but the second I start thinking about birthing one of them they all start looking like slippery little ogres.

I also saw a scary video yesterday of a puppy who thrashes to death metal music. That video and the hot tub birthing pictures combined to ruin my night. I was looking forward to relaxing under the spa jets with my puppy in one arm and my newborn baby in the other, and suddenly all I could see was blood and teeth.