I’m the new male genitalia correspondent for the Virginia Quarterly Review! Best literary blog in the world! On its way downhill starting today! Unless they fire me!
Life lessons learned on April Fool’s Day
1. If you’re applying to an MFA program at a prestigious university affiliated with Thomas Jefferson, perhaps the fiction you submit shouldn’t be about the following:
a) oral sex
b) dildos made out of balloons
c) shit smell
In case there’s anyone else out there who didn’t know that intuitively, consider this cautionary tale my gift to you.
2. If a big-name New York literary agent tells you that MFA programs are a waste of time, and then two days later you are rejected from an MFA program, guess who is your new hero.
3. Don’t waste your time being hateful, just find out how to be employed during the 08-09 academic year.
4. The best revenge is blogging for the VQR, my spectacular new gig.
5. The second best revenge is curling up on the couch for two hours. That’ll show ’em! Yesterday I babysat Tula, my sister’s puppy, and she was so happy eating my slipper and peeing in the grass and sniffing dead worms while I miserably buried my head in the couch cushions, and I thought, “There’s probably a life lesson in here somewhere.” But no, in fact there wasn’t. I took Tula home so I could grieve in peace.