I bought three expensive bridal magazines this weekend so I could include my bedridden Georgia grandmother in my wedding planning. But no one seems less interested in looking at the glossy photos than me and and my grandmother, so I have delegated the wedding planning to Big Wistar’s round-the-clock nurses Elaine and Sheila. Together we sit on the couch during their shifts and decide what my colors will be and how I will wear my hair. By these means I have learned a lot about weddings, especially what not to do.
For instance, Elaine has a cousin whose recent wedding incorporated two matrons of honor, two maids of honor, thirteen bridesmaids, four flower girls, two ring men, and a “mini bride” who wore an exact replica of her wedding dress. I rolled my eyes at this litany of attendants until Elaine came to the mini bride.
“What a great idea,” I thought. “Here’s a chance for a young girl or perhaps a little person to experience the ritual of marriage alongside an average-sized bride. She can duplicate the whole ceremony on a smaller, more adorable scale. We can build a playhouse church beside the grown-up church and serve miniature glasses of non-alcoholic champagne ordered from the American Girl catalogue. Imagine what cute and precocious sex the mini bride and groom will have on their honeymoon!”
Wait. . .what? Get these damn kids out of my wedding.
I told my godmother Susannah about the mini bride idea and she said that it would be even more festive to have a giant bride accompany me down the aisle wearing a size 62 matching gown and carrying a flowering hedge for a bouquet. I think this would only be effective if the giant bride could breathe fire or reenact the climactic scene from Iron Man. Then I thought about hiring the girl from Shentai who performs with a flaming hula hoop.
I know every engaged woman says this eventually, but I am turning into Bridezilla. I literally want an enraged circus performer to storm the wedding ceremony and set all the decorations on fire like the legendary gorilla that invaded Manhattan. I think that would make a really fun party. And I would look beautiful surrounded by all those burning centerpieces.