I bought three expensive bridal magazines this weekend so I could include my bedridden Georgia grandmother in my wedding planning. But no one seems less interested in looking at the glossy photos than me and and my grandmother, so I have delegated the wedding planning to Big Wistar’s round-the-clock nurses Elaine and Sheila. Together we sit on the couch during their shifts and decide what my colors will be and how I will wear my hair. By these means I have learned a lot about weddings, especially what not to do.
For instance, Elaine has a cousin whose recent wedding incorporated two matrons of honor, two maids of honor, thirteen bridesmaids, four flower girls, two ring men, and a “mini bride” who wore an exact replica of her wedding dress. I rolled my eyes at this litany of attendants until Elaine came to the mini bride.
“What a great idea,” I thought. “Here’s a chance for a young girl or perhaps a little person to experience the ritual of marriage alongside an average-sized bride. She can duplicate the whole ceremony on a smaller, more adorable scale. We can build a playhouse church beside the grown-up church and serve miniature glasses of non-alcoholic champagne ordered from the American Girl catalogue. Imagine what cute and precocious sex the mini bride and groom will have on their honeymoon!”
Wait. . .what? Get these damn kids out of my wedding.
I told my godmother Susannah about the mini bride idea and she said that it would be even more festive to have a giant bride accompany me down the aisle wearing a size 62 matching gown and carrying a flowering hedge for a bouquet. I think this would only be effective if the giant bride could breathe fire or reenact the climactic scene from Iron Man. Then I thought about hiring the girl from Shentai who performs with a flaming hula hoop.
I know every engaged woman says this eventually, but I am turning into Bridezilla. I literally want an enraged circus performer to storm the wedding ceremony and set all the decorations on fire like the legendary gorilla that invaded Manhattan. I think that would make a really fun party. And I would look beautiful surrounded by all those burning centerpieces.
mini bride? Wow. All I can think of is how much it would cost to replicate the bride’s gown in little girl size. I bet the mini bride and the flower girl don’t like each other and at a typical wedding, the flower girl will find an opportunity to spill cranberry juice on the mini bride’s dress.
what about a white bouffant hairdo for you? it could match your dress, and instead of a veil you could wear a plastic rain bonnet and when darren dramatically swept it off of your head all the guests would gasp at how beautiful, how original, how young you looked peeking out from underneath.
If you come to me with a size 62 wedding dress, so help me god…
Is it dirty that I sometimes find myself wondering if the mini bride wears a mini garter belt?
i think you may need to play on this a bit. Jessie gave it to me….
http://kvetch.indiebride.com/
hey….have you picked a date?
I’m not sure. . .When did Princess Di get married?
Wow, you bought 3 magazines? Jack made me buy one and I looked at the jewelry and threw it aside…