Daily Archives: August 27, 2008

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Democratic National Convention erotica

From a Craigslist NYC ad posted yesterday:

Looking for Someone to Recite Pledge of Allegiance While I Masturbate – 28 (East Village)

Hello, I am a SWM looking for someone to come to my apartment to recite the pledge of Allegiance while I masturbate to the Democratic National Convention on TV and ejaculate onto an American flag. Age and physical appearance do not matter, but a background in politics and law would be ideal.

I also have it on good authority that the same lonely gentleman recently posted the following two Craigslist personal ads:

Grocer Seeks Anal Foreplay

I am a 29-year-old grocery bagger at Trader Joe’s seeking a woman interested in engaging in anal foreplay. I have been working in the Union Square Trader Joe’s for 2 years now and am hoping to soon be promoted to manager. Trader Joe’s is an excellent place to work: Congenial coworkers, excellent benefits and 401K, and a culture that rewards excellence. My ideal mate would be as enthusiastic about Trader Joe’s as I am, and would also have a extensive background in rimming, analingus, and bead use.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN DATING A GROCER BUT ARE NOT WILLING TO ENGAGE IN ANAL FOREPLAY, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ENGAGE IN ANAL FOREPLAY BUT ARE NOT ACCEPTING OF THE TRADER JOE’S LIFESTYLE, YOU MAY RESPOND, BUT DO NOT EXPECT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK OUT IN THE LONG RUN.

 

25-year-old Administrative Assistant Looking for Practical Woman to Engage in Reproductive Acts

The perfect match will be readily aware that the notion of “love” can be reduced to nothing more than a series of chemical reactions, and that mating rituals such as “dance” and “presents” are superfluous acts that should be immediately dispensed of.

She will understand that human beings themselves are nothing more than a particularly complex swarm of cells and that any attempts to claim that we are somehow fundamentally different from other animals is to betray a complete denial of science. Therefore, she will not cry when men die.

She will readily admit that Earth and all its inhabitants are infinitely inconsequential specks of dust and that God would not shed a single tear were the planet to be spontaneously destroyed in a supernova next week.

She must be a decent cook.

If you are interested in assisting me in satisfying my base, biologically-programmed need, please respond. If not, it doesn’t matter, since we will all be rotting in the ground soon.

Craigslist Author, please come forward. I have taken the liberty of outing your fetishes so you will no longer feel ashamed. Maybe you can find true love among my readers, the most compassionate and loyal perverts on the web.