You never know where or when the bride’s enormous ego will surface. Case in point:
“I just want a low-key wedding, Mom. Laid-back, informal, no-pressure. I don’t want to cave to the wedding industry with all its check-lists and up-dos and monogrammed water bottles.”
“Sure. Fine. We’ll just do family, a few friends. I’ll arrange some flowers from my garden. . .”
“Do we really NEED flowers?”
“I guess not. What about bridesmaids? Diamond rings? Crabcakes?”
“No way, Mom. I’m what’s called an enlightened, modern bride. I don’t need all the wedding foofaraw.”
“Okay. Well, you’ll need a dress.”
“Yes, and I want THE CHEAPEST WEDDING DRESS EVER. I want to be able to brag to my grandchildren about HOW CHEAP MY DRESS WAS. I want to flounce across the dance floor WITH THE PRICE TAG ON so everyone can see WHAT A GOOD SHOPPER I AM and how I didn’t BUY INTO THE SATIN PRICE JACKING that takes place at SNOOTY WEDDING BOUTIQUES. This December when I walk down the aisle carpeted in USED CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER and CRACKED PISTACHIO NUTS, I want to hold a bouquet made of STORE RECEIPTS so my guests will be appropriately AWESTRUCK by my bridal bargain-hunting SKILLS. Suck on that, all you SPEND-HAPPY BRIDES trying on inflated GOWNS in your silky unmentionables. I DARE YOU to find a dress cheaper than mine. I DARE YOU. You will ALL FAIL because I am the THRIFTIEST PRINCESS and I will FLAUNT my ALUMINUM FOIL TIARA until all you BITCHES CRY.”
“I’m so proud of you, baby.”
When crossdressing guys buy their wedding dresses (plural, because we divorce easy) we always strongly consider the cheapest of everything , to match our personalities, then adjust and come up one or two price points from the bottom.
I saw some fabulous wedding dresses at the Goodwill that might be perfect for you. Very sparkly.
I WANT TO SPEND ALL THE MONEY ON MY WEDDING. I WILL MAKE AN ALL-CRYSTAL REGISTRY, CRYSTAL SHOES, A CRYSTAL DRESS (NO UNDERWEAR). THE STARS WILL SPARKLY LIKE CRYSTAL ABOVE MY CRYSTAL TENT AND YOU SHALL CRACK YOUR TEETH ON MY CRYSTAL HORS’ DOEUVRES.
Well I am going to make an ice sculpture out of treated sewage water, so there.