The bride’s ego

You never know where or when the bride’s enormous ego will surface. Case in point:

“I just want a low-key wedding, Mom. Laid-back, informal, no-pressure. I don’t want to cave to the wedding industry with all its check-lists and up-dos and monogrammed water bottles.”

“Sure. Fine. We’ll just do family, a few friends. I’ll arrange some flowers from my garden. . .”

“Do we really NEED flowers?”

“I guess not. What about bridesmaids? Diamond rings? Crabcakes?”

“No way, Mom. I’m what’s called an enlightened, modern bride. I don’t need all the wedding foofaraw.”

“Okay. Well, you’ll need a dress.”

“Yes, and I want THE CHEAPEST WEDDING DRESS EVER. I want to be able to brag to my grandchildren about HOW CHEAP MY DRESS WAS. I want to flounce across the dance floor WITH THE PRICE TAG ON so everyone can see WHAT A GOOD SHOPPER I AM and how I didn’t BUY INTO THE SATIN PRICE JACKING that takes place at SNOOTY WEDDING BOUTIQUES. This December when I walk down the aisle carpeted in USED CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER and CRACKED PISTACHIO NUTS, I want to hold a bouquet made of STORE RECEIPTS so my guests will be appropriately AWESTRUCK by my bridal bargain-hunting SKILLS. Suck on that, all you SPEND-HAPPY BRIDES trying on inflated GOWNS in your silky unmentionables. I DARE YOU to find a dress cheaper than mine. I DARE YOU. You will ALL FAIL because I am the THRIFTIEST PRINCESS and I will FLAUNT my ALUMINUM FOIL TIARA until all you BITCHES CRY.”

“I’m so proud of you, baby.”

4 Thoughts on “The bride’s ego

  1. When crossdressing guys buy their wedding dresses (plural, because we divorce easy) we always strongly consider the cheapest of everything , to match our personalities, then adjust and come up one or two price points from the bottom.

  2. I saw some fabulous wedding dresses at the Goodwill that might be perfect for you. Very sparkly.

  3. I WANT TO SPEND ALL THE MONEY ON MY WEDDING. I WILL MAKE AN ALL-CRYSTAL REGISTRY, CRYSTAL SHOES, A CRYSTAL DRESS (NO UNDERWEAR). THE STARS WILL SPARKLY LIKE CRYSTAL ABOVE MY CRYSTAL TENT AND YOU SHALL CRACK YOUR TEETH ON MY CRYSTAL HORS’ DOEUVRES.

  4. Well I am going to make an ice sculpture out of treated sewage water, so there.

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