Archive > January 2009

A formal essay about famous frogs me

My mother is exasperated that my husband and I still haven’t made a dime from our famous photograph. “Couldn’t you at least print up some t-shirts?” she says. “You can sell them on www.turtlefrogspiderphoto.com.” I explain to her that it seems exploitative to profit off something that—for whatever reason—inspires people. It’s like selling $5 bottles [...]

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Failed improv and other notable neuroses

Last night I had a nightmare that I was one of two leading actresses in an improvised play and all my friends came to see it but I couldn’t think of any funny lines and every time I spoke it was with a different unconvincing accent. No one returned to the theater after intermission, but [...]

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The John Grisham Chronicles

I haven’t written about John Grisham for a while. The phone call I was waiting for never came. Meanwhile John deigns to answer random questions from nobodies in Time Magazine: Q. My mom thinks you are better looking than Tom Cruise. Why didn’t you star in The Firm instead? —Durriyyah Usman, Islamabad, Pakistan A. It [...]

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You’re invited to One Star Watt’s Inaugural Linkage Neighborhood Ball!

But keep in mind these links have nothing to do with the inauguration tomorrow. Mostly they’re just something to keep you occupied during commercial breaks. Guinea Pig Olympics – My childhood friend Amy and I subjected our little brothers to a similar game, but they were much cuter. Fuck You, Penguin – Humbling the enormous [...]

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Pregnancy rehab

I have always believed that the surest way for a woman to quit drinking is for her to get pregnant, which is why I encourage all female alcoholics to get knocked up. The same goes for crack addicts. Don’t spend tens of thousands of dollars on rehab; just make the small investment of having a [...]

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Twilight: Where do I even begin?

Twilight has a special place in my heart because it keeps me running for over 20 minutes on the treadmill without my realizing that I’m out of shape and have probably broken a leg. Twilight owns a part of my soul like the last people to keep me up reading until 4 in the morning, [...]

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Harper’s receipt from Build-a-Bear reads like her mother’s worst nightmare

CUDLY HGS TDDY PK                                         $14.00 SPRKL FUR EARBAND                                        $2.00 SLVR GLITTER HEEL                                           $7.50 GLITTER PURSE PNK                                          $3.00 WHITE DRESS                                                    $10.00 Darren and I entered Build-a-Bear Workshop with a four-year-old girl and high expectations, and we left Build-a-Bear Workshop with a furry pink bridezilla wearing a lace veil and bear high heels who had aspirations [...]

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Blog devastation via disgruntled employee

This week blogging platform JournalSpace was singlehandedly destroyed by an ex-IT guy caught stealing from the company. This means that all the tens of thousands of bloggers on the site lost their entire output of data in one malicious stroke. Some of them spent years establishing their voices only to see them completely obliterated by [...]

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I dream of Christos Vangelopoulos

Because everyone needs a little Christos and a lot of mutant canary, and because my website is desperate for some color, I present you with a bit of artwork created by my dear friend (of 13 years!) Christos Vangelopoulos. I’m not in an awesome band so I couldn’t commission Christos to do a poster for [...]

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New site design makes me feel urban

Maybe we can feel urban together.

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