Daily Archives: January 19, 2009

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You’re invited to One Star Watt’s Inaugural Linkage Neighborhood Ball!

But keep in mind these links have nothing to do with the inauguration tomorrow. Mostly they’re just something to keep you occupied during commercial breaks.

Guinea Pig Olympics – My childhood friend Amy and I subjected our little brothers to a similar game, but they were much cuter.

hamsters-playing-pingpong-by-its-just-jack-on-flickr

Fuck You, Penguin – Humbling the enormous egos of baby animals.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Only Friends Are Mirrors – Cool people seem to hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ll jump on that bandwagon.

New Smokable Nicotine Sticks – “Fills lungs with rich, satisfying smoke, curbing desire for cigarettes.”

We Covet – I suddenly need a bunch of stuff that I didn’t know existed five minutes ago.

Women Living with Fake Baby Dolls Treat Them Like Real Children – Self-explanatory.

Some eCards – For modern thank-you notes.

Put the romance back into your mostly internet-based relationship.

Children’s Hospital – A very funny show available in its entirety (all 10 five-minute webisodes) on the WB website.

Searching for Jesse Camp – A touching essay about a woman’s crush on an erstwhile MTV VJ.

Sexy Pole-Dancing LEGO – It’s about time someone made LEGOs sexy! I think.

Marketing Drank – “Purple drank” – urban slang that I just learned – is now bottled for profit.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Panic – A scary and moving window into the life of a 911/999 telephone operator.

Attractive Girls Union Refuses to Enter into Talks with Mike Greenman – A male friend of mine sent me this because he says he relates a bit too much to Mike Greenman. Don’t we all.

Cover Controversy? Naked Ambition Doesn’t Cover It – Hot, naked attention whores are the best kind of attention whores.

jessica-alba-cover

Top 50 Movie Special Effects Shots – For the geeks. And for the non-geeks who are into movie special effects shots. Ahem.

Two Perspectives on Bush’s Departure – I love the VQR but I never have a chance to contribute to its blog. Thankfully smarter, better people with more important things to say have been picking up my slack.

Pregnancy rehab

I have always believed that the surest way for a woman to quit drinking is for her to get pregnant, which is why I encourage all female alcoholics to get knocked up. The same goes for crack addicts. Don’t spend tens of thousands of dollars on rehab; just make the small investment of having a child. Once you’re pregnant you won’t need the same substances that you needed before because you’ll be so high on being a mom.

I have to laugh when I see all those rich celebrities entering Promises or the Betty Ford Center. Use your brains, ladies! Use your brains by using your uterus (uteri?). Your own bodies contain all the tools you’ll need to combat your deadly addictions. And these days semen is so readily available that people are cooking pastries with it.* So please, fertile alcoholics, take my advice by putting down the bottle and picking up a baby. Your liver, if not your progeny, will thank you.

Wait, what’s good advice again?

*Eating semen pastries will not make you pregnant.