Archive > April 2009

The limits of my vocabulary meet the Foxfield Races

Here is a girl who got a perfect score* on her verbal SATs, but who can’t find a synonym for “awesome” in quotidian** conversation. Or who finds herself stuck with “interesting” as a default adjective whether she’s discussing a Great American Novel or the pizza she had for lunch. The verbal portion of my brain [...]

Continue reading

“If today is opposite day, I’m happy.” –Paul Legault as Emily Dickinson

In local lit news, UVA poetry graduate Paul Legault has “translated” all of Emily Dickinson’s poetry into straight-up English. Charlottesville’s new Try & Make blog has excerpts from the book. I will reproduce the excerpts here because I like them so much and because I am a poem burglar. Lock up your poems, people. 7. [...]

Continue reading

I’m feeling unhappy about the way things are going in my bank account

I’m feeling unhappy about the way things are going in my bank account, and years of therapy have taught me to openly express my feelings whenever it’s convenient and the feelings won’t lead to confrontation. The status of my bank account is nobody’s fault – especially not mine – but my feelings about my financial [...]

Continue reading

The Ten movie for the win!

I just found out what a bunch of funny people were doing between roughly January 2006 and the 21st of August, 2008, when their movie was finally released on DVD in Russia: filming The Ten! Written and directed by David Wain, The Ten features Paul Rudd, Liev Shreiber, Thomas Lennon, Rob Corddry, Ken Marino (Wet [...]

Continue reading

Sometimes you read the right thing at the right time

On Sunday I attended a family memorial service for the dimpled, red-headed baby that my uncles lost this fall to Type 1 Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I can’t put words to their experience, but last night I read the following passage from Edward P. Jones’ story “In the Blink of God’s Eye,” found in the collection [...]

Continue reading

List of urgent requests – please help

1. Editing and proofreading clients 2. $80,000 for graduate school 3. Newlywed couples in Charlottesville to profile in newspaper 4. A cheap place to live in New York City 5. A lawnmower that runs on good intentions 6. A face-to-face with Edward P. Jones, my current monomythical Hero-Author

Continue reading

Wait for it. . . an eating video game!

Video games enable people to do their favorite things: shoot guns, steal cars, play golf in the living room. So what about a video game – or even an online application – that lets you eat all the delicious food that you want without ingesting any calories? Instead of a handheld console with ten zillion [...]

Continue reading

Housekeeping animism

I’ve been cleaning around the same objects at our house for almost four years, and just the other day I realized that every time I vacuum or mop around the red chairs at our kitchen table, I subconsciously think that they’re snobby. I’m trying to help them, keep them free of cobwebs, brownie crumbs, etc., [...]

Continue reading

Fantastic Mr. Fox spoiler alert

I’m reading The Fantastic Mr. Fox to a four-year-old. She’s covering her face with her hands, trembling, terrified of the guns pointed at the fox burrow, asking me, “Is he going to be okay?” I want to say, “Wait and see! Who knows how the story might unfold?” I’m reluctant to set a bad precedent [...]

Continue reading

The hound dog diary

When I called the cops on my neighbors for the third time (yes, I am that asshole), I tried to act as victimized as possible. I said, “Please, officer. Just tell me what I can do.” He said I should keep a diary for a month in which I record every bark out of that [...]

Continue reading