The Blog of Wistar Watts Murray

A few years ago Washington D.C. resident Kimberly Zenz discovered a strange loophole in the elephant polo bylaws. An elephant polo event must provide elephants for all participating sportsmen. So Zenz formed a team - the Capital Pachyderms - and her players have since traveled to Thailand, Sri Lanka, and Nepal to compete on the backs of real elephants.

You can find the full story on Mental Floss.

I might steal a page from Zenz’s playbook and start a Charlottesville yacht club or hot air balloon squadron. Then I can compete in circumnavigating the globe without any initial investment. I also wonder if NASA might provide me with a space shuttle if I challenge George W. Bush to a race to the moon.

1. If you’re applying to an MFA program at a prestigious university affiliated with Thomas Jefferson, perhaps the fiction you submit shouldn’t be about the following:

a) oral sex

b) dildos made out of balloons

c) shit smell

In case there’s anyone else out there who didn’t know that intuitively, consider this cautionary tale my gift to you.

2. If a big-name New York literary agent tells you that MFA programs are a waste of time, and then two days later you are rejected from an MFA program, guess who is your new hero.

3. Don’t waste your time being hateful, just find out how to be employed during the 08-09 academic year.

4. The best revenge is blogging for the VQR, my spectacular new gig.

5. The second best revenge is curling up on the couch for two hours. That’ll show ‘em! Yesterday I babysat Tula, my sister’s puppy, and she was so happy eating my slipper and peeing in the grass and sniffing dead worms while I miserably buried my head in the couch cushions, and I thought, “There’s probably a life lesson in here somewhere.” But no, in fact there wasn’t. I took Tula home so I could grieve in peace.

I recently joined a gym, and boy would I be looking good if working out didn’t make me so hungry for Mexican food. And it’s not just any gym - it’s the most state-of-the-art, LA/Manhattan/Madonna-worthy gym in Virginia. I get a discounted membership because of my mob connections. Also, my sweat doesn’t stink.

I have been loving the gym, but here are some tips to make my personal fitness experience even more enjoyable.

1) If you can get away with wearing only short shorts and a sports bra when you work out, please mount the machine in front of mine. This will inspire me to work harder so I can have your body.

2) I feel a lot of goodwill between strangers at the gym. The natural amiability seems totally asexual, which is understandable because everyone looks so gross. But boundaries can still be crossed. If a girl is doing a stretch that involves bending over or spreading her legs, it’s not appropriate to talk to her. Whatever you have to say, she is going to feel self conscious about you looking down her jog bra or into her perspiring crotch area. Wait and talk to her when she is performing a less provocative stretch, like the neck stretch:

3) If you like to make locker room conversation, at least make a show of getting dressed while you’re talking. For most people, it’s hard to think of smart and funny things to say when staring at a naked body. Putting on clothes should be your first priority, not making small-talk, clipping your toenails, or blow-drying your hair.

4) Be creative with your gym outfits. It always makes my day when I run into the guy who works out in jeans, bare feet, and a halfshirt.

5) Don’t leave clumps of your hair in the shower. I am actively trying to contract a foot fungus as a gym rite of passage, but I still balk at stepping on other peoples’ hair wads. Figure it out, ladies.

6) If you are way into Nia dance aerobics classes, try not to look like such a dork. Just kidding - dance is all about free expression. And you can do what you want because I won’t be taking any more of these types of classes.

7) Please spray down my machine after I use it.

8 ) Don’t throw down your iron barbells after every set. The loud noise scares me to death when I’m on the treadmill trying to watch Drumline. Last time I had my headphones on so I couldn’t hear myself cursing, but everyone else could. If you’re strong enough to lift the heavy weights, you are strong enough to set them down gently.

That is all for now. Does anyone else have advice for uncouth gym-goers?

Your baby’s hungry. Your baby’s hands are cold and chapped.

Do you

a) remove your baby from the cold and let him gum yogurt, applesauce, or chunks of banana until his hunger pangs are soothed?

or

b) rub Victoria’s Secret lotion into your baby’s skin and then feed him rainbow mini marshmallows from a plastic baggie?

I’m not a mom. I don’t know what’s right. I don’t judge. I just happen to hang out at the same places as hungry babies: Saturday night sporting events, hotdog stands, ice cream shops, gun ranges, and marshmallow factories.

Sign up for GoodReads.com. It’s the new MySpace.

But FaceBook was the new MySpace, which was the new Friendster, which was the new AOL chatroom.

Sign up for GoodReads.com.  It’s the new sitting alone in the high school cafeteria before the internet was invented hoping everyone will notice the pretentious book you’re reading.

I live in a small town where I also happened to be born a baby. I love Charlottesville, Virginia, and so do many respectable magazines, but it is still a small town. When you are young and ambitious, the well of opportunity can sometimes seem to run dry. Especially when you are the type of person who sits around waiting for business proposals and dance parties to come to you. As my dreams get bigger and bigger (bestselling author, Salman Rushdie’s girlfriend, millionaire mother of fifteen, non-nailbiter. . .), I have thought a lot about the limits of small town living. So here is my survival guide for ambitious people who aren’t ready to leave their small town, but who want to be more than mayor of the local bar.

-First, decide why you are still here. Here are the wrong reasons:

a) You are neurotic about leaving your house.

b) You don’t believe you can make it in a big city.

c) You hate ethnic diversity.

d) Someone is guilting you into sticking around.

e) You are afraid of terrorist attacks.

… continue reading this entry.

Slate has published its diverse list of the best books of 2007. The list includes some poetry, some foreskin, some Denis Johnson, and some good germs. The end of the year is approaching so we’re going to be seeing a lot of best-of lists, but I like this one because it’s not devoted wholly to novels. I like to balance out my fiction with true tales of female circumcision. We have a lot of reading to do, people.

This Scientific American article hits really close to home because lately I feel like a lazy kid with more learned helpless than intrinsically motivated behaviors. When I read the article, I was waking up from a two-hour afternoon power nap. Instead of arising from the couch with the dream-inspired plot for my next novel, I arose with a need to surf the internet. Luckily the StumbleUpon gods had a life lesson in store for me. I think I have been putting too much stock in being innately talented or innately not talented and not enough stock in trying to be better. I mean yes, I’m a genius, but even geniuses have to stay awake for more than three hours at a stretch in order to accomplish anything.

The Scientific American website summarizes the article’s key concepts so I don’t have to:

Many people assume that superior intelligence or ability is a key to success. But more than three decades of research shows that an overemphasis on intellect or talent—and the implication that such traits are innate and fixed—leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unmotivated to learn.

Teaching people to have a “growth mind-set,” which encourages a focus on effort rather than on intelligence or talent, produces high achievers in school and in life.

Parents and teachers can engender a growth mind-set in children by praising them for their effort or persistence (rather than for their intelligence), by telling success stories that emphasize hard work and love of learning, and by teaching them about the brain as a learning machine.

From now on I will try to focus on effort rather than on being a terrible writer or a good writer. I will also stop telling little kids that they were born stupid and/or they should just give up, and focus instead on complimenting their determination to finish three-piece puzzles.

1) If you live in Charlottesville, I suggest that you attend the Robot Wares & Record Fair at the Satellite Ballroom on Sunday, December 2nd. These girl and boy vendors sell their original crafts and artwork at low prices and all the money earned stays in the local economy. Some of it goes to poor, indie-rock babies in need of new ironic t-shirts.

2) If your friends and family don’t say things like, “It’s not a real gift if it didn’t cost you anything,” then visit this website for simple giving ideas.

3) Etsy.com. Here is the site where you can buy handmade, one-of-a-kind gifts from artisans all over American. It’s somewhat overwhelming to navigate the millions of products, so expect to spend an hour or so browsing. You can find some cool stuff. I liked these napkins and these pot holders for instance. Unfortunately I already own napkins and potholders. My friend Diana sells her original jewelry on the site, and she’ll have a small presence at the Satellite’s Record Fair as well.

4) If your friends and family don’t say things like, “A can of live worms does not constitute a Christmas present,” then visit the OxFam online store and buy someone a goat.

5) Soon the Perfect Flavor customized ice cream store in Waynesboro will be open. Get your dry ice ready! Lynsie’s ice cream is made with all local, organic ingredients. No eels.

6) Another indie shopping site.

7) The EWG gift bag.

8 ) Attend the “Second Annual Holiday Home Show” with Little Tree Press, By Cary, and eight other talented local artists.

9) It’s always a good idea to pay off someone else’s credit card bill. Especially when it’s mine.

10) I think websites make good gifts. If you are tech savvy, you can buy someone a URL and then install a Wordpress blog for him or her. Maybe a Mimbo! I am trying to buy a URL for my little brother so he can start his thermal underpants company, but every URL he picked was already a porn site.

11) A year’s supply of toilet paper. Is anyone else sick of buying toilet paper? Is there an alternative? The toilet paper shopping never ends.

I am running out of ideas. Let’s make this Part 1 of the Holiday Gifting Guide.  Please write with suggestions or self promotion.

The Environmental Working Group is offering a superior gift bag equipped with a chemical-free water bottle and a cast iron pan for a charitable donation of $135. Get the bags while supplies last.

PS Did anyone else hear that Toys “R” Us accidentally printed an ad for Aqua Dots in their annual Christmas newspaper insert?