Category > Babies

Dropping the f-bomb in labor & delivery

If you are in the midst of having a baby, I am perhaps not the *best* person to accompany you into labor & delivery, but I am also not the *worst*. For instance, some people are psychotic. Some people have Ebola. When you invite me into your labor & delivery room, you can expect my [...]

Continue reading

Snowflake tech support

Last night my sister’s husband and I stared at a stack of white paper, trying to figure out how to turn it into snowflakes. I had folded one sheet into squares, and my very handy brother-in-law was probably a minute away from making an origami buffalo. Fortunately his mother called. In June she’d retired from [...]

Continue reading

This whole question of sincerity

As if sincerity is something that needs to be defended. Life is hard and sad and wonderful people die all the time. This is why we must make jokes. Like yesterday I cut open my knuckle trying to stab some ice loose with a corkscrew, and then I bled all over the baby I was [...]

Continue reading

Babysitting rider

Because I will never be a rock star, I am developing a rider for babysitting gigs. (1) gallon red Gatorade (1) reduced fat string cheese (1) bottle red wine, uncorked and three quarters full, so no one will notice a glass missing (8) Hello Kitty Band-Aids (1) bottle hand sanitizer. In lieu of hand sanitizer, [...]

Continue reading

Trying to love puppies a little less

Last night I was downtown with some time to kill before a dinner reservation, and I needed a bit of a pick-me-up, so I walked to Christopher Street to perv on some puppies. For whatever reason (no, for a solitary reason: rich Village people) Christopher Street is the nucleus of the Manhattan designer puppy trade. [...]

Continue reading

I got peed on, but not in a good way

I got peed on, but not in a good way. The baby’s urine ran down my thigh from the changing table, and I remembered every rejection I’d ever experienced. Not really. That would have been too easy. It took days of wearing those same jeans for the piss to sink in on an existential level. [...]

Continue reading

Playing the grief card

Acceptable ways to play the grief card: 1) Getting an extension on a due date at school. 2) Taking some time off work. 3) Cursing at the bank rep who keeps calling to harass you about a $5 fee the day after the service. 4) Eating apple pie for breakfast with impunity. 5) Refusing to [...]

Continue reading

Then he stole candy from a baby

Williamsburg, Brooklyn I can just see the thief sneaking out under cover of night. “This rube left her Malibu bike chained to the lamppost. I am so going to steal it.” But he gets there and the chick has secured her bike to the post with a Kryptonite U-Lock. The bike won’t budge. He hears [...]

Continue reading

Three local YouTubes

The cutest: The most unlike Eminem/the most related to me by blood: The most full of friends and babies I know:

Continue reading

Important revelations from my sabbatical

Janet > Michael Babies don’t need diapers

Continue reading

prev posts