The Blog of Wistar Watts Murray

I guess it’s a testament to my recent clean-livin’ lifestyle that I’ve been tripping for 12 hours from a single cup of Starbucks coffee. Coffee - this stuff makes you want to stay up all night and blog about your grandmother. Coffee - why didn’t I think of joining the NBA before? Coffee - is that a neighbor’s pet barking at 5 in the morning or is an angry dog waking up in my head? Coffee - is that a bird hurling itself into my window pane at 7 in the morning or is a flock of seagulls colliding with my skull? Also, I should install a pull-up bar in my office doorway and do somersaults around it forever.

I have given up alcohol for a little while, but last night I chugged two glasses of vodka and Crystal Light lemonade in my dream. I woke up feeling hungover and ashamed, but luckily I am not a sleepwalker.

Today I will divulge a big secret, possibly the biggest secret I have ever been privy to. And I promise I’m not revealing this secret just because I know the keywords “dieting secrets” are going to send a lot of internet traffic my way. This dieting tip is for real, Britney Spears skinny lose weight fast how to drop pounds without exercise Angelina Jolie easy weight loss low-carb diet.

I present to you a hot dieting secret that apocryphally stems from anorexic Gap salesgirls via a local, unnamed source:

Approach a soda fountain. Fill a cup 90% of the way full with Diet Coke. Then top off your beverage with regular, full-calorie root beer. Guess what? Your whole drink now tastes like root beer! Now you’re drinking root beer like there’s no tomorrow and you’re not getting fat! Now you’re dropping lbs like you’re not even trying!

So next time you want to drink a couple gallons of root beer, just remember that you really suck at this weight loss thing. You’re chugging the wrong kind of soft drink.

I know I sound facetious here, but this “Diet Coke + Root Beer = Root Beer” equation blew my mind yesterday. Thank you, The Gap, for making size zero jeans.

1. Website that makes the correlation between multi-vitamins and acne.

2. Website about how our contaminated water supply is making babies gay.

3. www.eatingpiewithcelebrities.com - Photoshopped pictures of me binge-eating with famous people.

Those are the only ones I have been wanting to launch for a while now. Lengthening the list would just be being facetious.

Eat my pork? Eat my fork!