Category > Dieting secrets of the stars

In order to horrify my mother, I have devised the following reality TV show

Way back in 2003/04, when my college girlfriend and I were living together in D.C. and bearing witness to all sorts of bad behavior on the infrequent occasions when we’d go to the Black Cat to drink Diet 7Up and meet with our napkin folding club, we devised the following concept for a reality television [...]

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How to kill bedbugs with your bare hands*

I know a family recently transplanted from Brooklyn. They gave me a tour of their new house down the street. “And this,” they said, “is the shed where we keep all of our stuff from New York.” Their many boxes of books and clothes and sheets had been relegated to a utility shed in the [...]

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Diary of an Exercise Addict

An old friend of mine from high school has a memoir coming out soon: Diary of an Exercise Addict. In the book, Peach Friedman (as seen in People Magazine! pdf) chronicles her bout with exercise bulimia, a condition that almost took her life. And OMG, Jamie-Lynn Sigler from The Sopranos is a Peach fan. More [...]

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Coffee – have you guys heard of this stuff?

I guess it’s a testament to my recent clean-livin’ lifestyle that I’ve been tripping for 12 hours from a single cup of Starbucks coffee. Coffee – this stuff makes you want to stay up all night and blog about your grandmother. Coffee – why didn’t I think of joining the NBA before? Coffee – is [...]

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Cheating on your diet while you’re sleeping

I have given up alcohol for a little while, but last night I chugged two glasses of vodka and Crystal Light lemonade in my dream. I woke up feeling hungover and ashamed, but luckily I am not a sleepwalker.

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Keyword-intensive dieting secret of the stars

Today I will divulge a big secret, possibly the biggest secret I have ever been privy to. And I promise I’m not revealing this secret just because I know the keywords “dieting secrets” are going to send a lot of internet traffic my way. This dieting tip is for real, Britney Spears skinny lose weight [...]

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If Jesus hung out with me on Christmas, he would get so fat

He’d be like, “We ate an hour ago. It’s time to eat again. Where are the candied nuts?” I’d be like, “Jesus, your pants are starting to look a little tight around the hips.” “Shh,” he’d say. “We’ll talk about it after New Year’s. I’m going to buy a gym membership on the 2nd after [...]

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Controversial websites I want to launch

1. Website that makes the correlation between multi-vitamins and acne. 2. Website about how our contaminated water supply is making babies gay. 3. www.eatingpiewithcelebrities.com – Photoshopped pictures of me binge-eating with famous people. Those are the only ones I have been wanting to launch for a while now. Lengthening the list would just be being [...]

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This sounds like something I would do for a joke

Eat my pork? Eat my fork!

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