The Blog of Wistar Watts Murray

I didn’t get her a present this year, because I’d have to send it to Barcelona and I am lazy. I also feel like I have a five-year grace period because of a priceless gift I gave her once. In 2003, when we were roommates in the capital city, I told her that I would clean her filthy bedroom for her birthday. I planned on doing a quick vacuum, a superficial scrub, and a light dusting, but she had other ideas. That December 17th morning she presented me with a three-page, typed agenda called the “Wistar Birthday Maid Cleaning List.” I saved the list as a permanent record of how wonderful I am and how high-maintenance Noelle is. When I look back on it now, I am glad that item #8 under the “Noelle’s Bedroom” heading - “Handwash undies and pirate top then hang dry” - is not crossed off. Here is the abbreviated cleaning list:

-Use the vacuum hose to get all the corners on the ceiling and in my bathroom to get any cobwebs, look thoroughly, use the hose to clean my yellow sofa taking off the pillows and getting in the cracks

-Dust everything with blue dusting cloths

-Fold and put away all clothing (Skirts get hung up, pants in bottom dresser drawer, long sleeve tops are hung up, short sleeve and tank are put in middle dresser drawer color coordinated, undies and bras in that soft hanging thing, coats and jackets in the closet)

-Get all mold off the shower

-Use bleach to clean the mold off the ceiling gently

-Clean toilet plunger and brush. Sanitize with bleach

-Vacuum the blue and orange sofa in the living room under the cushions to get out nastiness

-You’ll be responsible for sweeping living room and dining room after birthday party

-Clean out my toaster oven

-Responsible for mopping kitchen after party

I read the list, then I changed out of my sexy maid outfit and into my biohazard suit. I did my best to complete her tasks while she shouted further instructions to me while obsessively checking her MySpace account. I am the hero of this story, by the way.

I love you, Noelle, and I’m thrilled that you have a Spanish maid now so your friends don’t have to do your housework anymore. But you know I would still clean your pipes and your gutters anytime. Happy birthday, princesa!

When I was a little girl reading Seventeen Magazine, YM, Cosmopolitan, and Penthouse Letters, I quickly realized that their relationship quizzes were for chumps. The answers were always so obvious. “Are you a jealous girlfriend? When you see your boyfriend flirting with the pretty Gap salesgirl at the mall, do you: a) punch him in the balls; b) slink away to Sbarro’s because he obviously found someone better than you to go out with; or c) approach him amiably and put your arm around him, asking him if he has seen the Gap’s holiday collection of flannel boxers? If you chose a, you need to keep the green-eyed monster in check. If you chose b, you need to stand up for yourself more. If you chose c, you are really good at passing these quizzes.” The girls that were the greatest friends, girlfriends, and lovers when judged by the women’s magazine criteria were always the bitchiest, loneliest, most virginal girls when judged by my own criteria. That’s why I started subscribing to Playgirl at thirteen. Playgirl wasn’t constantly testing me, trying to find out what kind of person I was. Playgirl just said, “Hey, here are some fanciful pictures of penises for you, from me.” I was like a) I love you; b) You’re handsome; c) Let’s go steady. That was gross and not true at all.

Anyway the other day Noelle sent me a link to this Tickle personality test called Is He “the One”? I think there’s also a version for men. I still don’t know if Darren’s the one because the test didn’t ask about whether or not he was willing to give me the fifteen children I desire. The Tickle site features emotionally relevant quizzes like “Could You Be Seduced By a Celeb Babe?”, inexplicable quizzes like “What Kind of Swashbuckling Pirate Are You?”, and essential quizzes for clueless women like “Are You Having Enough Sex?” I learned a lot about myself, and about how I spend my time. If I was more active on MySpace I would publish my test results for all my friends, but then everyone on the internet would know that I’m a sex-crazed buccaneer who could easily be seduced into a six-way with the Spice Girls. Did you guys know that the Spice Girls are back? Well it’s true. They are back.

This morning Noelle suggested that I submit my fiction to The Any Dream Will Do Review. To be published by this literary review, you must write from a mentally ill perspective. Its URL is willigocrazy.org. The subject of her email was “It’s not the Paris Review…but it will do.”

Perhaps it’s a start.

me: i am out of blogging ideas. write me something for the Noelle Niche
Noelle: oooh
Noelle: k
Noelle: so
Noelle: hmm
Noelle: how much more self-absorbed men are than women
Noelle: and what would happen
Noelle: if they had to do womenly things
Noelle: like if my brother got a period
Noelle: he’d probaly just let himself bleed
Noelle: everywhere
Noelle: cause h’d forget
Noelle: stuff like that