On Saturday I misplaced my only hairbrush, but I didn’t notice until Tuesday. Now the squirrels have moved in to build their nests. My hairbrush should arrive in the mail tomorrow, but meanwhile I have become used to squirrel babies pooping down the back of my neck. And the literary advice they whisper in my ear has really improved the direction of my novel.
The Virginia Safari Park in Natural Bridge, VA is the saddest, most wonderful adventure you can take from an Interstate 81 exit. First, a photo essay:
Hi, furry cow creature. Do you want to wipe your boogers on Darren’s hand?
Look Harper! Baby piglets! We can just throw them some grain from this bucket and…
Holy shit! Roll up the window!
This was actually our second trip to the park. The first time, on Gene’s birthday, we thought it was a good idea to safari in the back of a pick-up truck. I still cannot believe this is legal–we must have signed some incredible waiver when we bought our tickets. Darren was gored by a tusked beast while he was trying to feed an ostrich from his bucket. He still has a scar. This time, we took Harper in a tusk-proof Saturn station wagon. Without automatic windows, we had a few close calls, but mostly we just got snotted on. The zebras were isolated this year, which was fortunate. They will bite off your face if you give them a chance. No wonder Jared Diamond said they were immune to domestication.
Attempts have been made to train zebras for riding since they have better resistance than horses to African diseases. However most of these attempts failed, due to the zebra’s more unpredictable nature and tendency to panic under stress. For this reason, zebra-mules or zebroids (crosses between any species of zebra and a horse, pony, donkey or ass) are preferred over pure-bred zebras. (link)
Wow, that was distracting. So anyway we fed giraffes from our hand, pet pygmy goats, saw a kangaroo with an upside-down baby in her pouch, and whispered sweet nothings to an albino tiger cub. Whatever–I’m so over it. Step it up next year, Virginia Safari Park. I need a unicorn or a baby dragon or something. I can fondle llamas at home.
I just found this website tonight. All the About page says is “Catsandbeer.com began as a pet project of Superbad co-creators Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg and evolved into a humor website that has nothing to do with either of them.” Does anyone know what this is about? The website is especially funny because judging from the comments, very few of the site’s readers get the humor. Or maybe I don’t not get it. In any case it’s 10 pm on a Saturday night and I’m now going to bed.
This morning Selvi and I had a date to spend some quality time together at 7 AM. The quality time included 1-pound weights, a floor mat, and an elderly man walking on a treadmill with a cane. While we worked out, a segment on the Today Show grabbed our attention. A teenage girl was described as a “medical marvel” for surviving rabies without getting the vaccine. Rabies is supposed to be fatal in humans if you don’t get a shot within a few weeks of contracting the disease. However instead of being amazed by this girl’s genetic superiority, Selvi and I started shouting at the TV. What kind of person gets bitten by a BAT, does not seek medical attention for a MONTH, and then milks the publicity of emerging from a rabies-induced coma? Does her medical insurance cover something like that? And her case is written up in The New England Journal of Medicine! And she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up! What if she has children someday? “It’s probably fine that you just swallowed a gallon of paint thinner, Jimmy Junior. Let’s just wait this one out and observe if there are any side effects in a month. Better safe than sorry.”
First draft
First person
Last chance