Tag Archives: Complaints

How come Dr. Dictionary’s “Word of the Day” is more like “No Words of Three Days and Then Ten Words of Five Seconds”?

I know that “lame blog” is an oxymoron, since blogs are the definition of cool, but I feel like I haven’t worked very hard at being entertaining today. I apologize to all the minions of people who have left me comments (you know who you are, blood relatives), and who are downloading my blog to their cell phones via RSS feed. Today I was busy shopping for fishing poles, teaching a two-year-old about abstract art, and eating Japanese meat that is boiled in the same plastic bag you buy it in. I also butchered Jason & Jessie’s marzipan wedding cake prototype that costs like $10 a slice. My cake knife hand has a life of its own sometimes – a serial killer’s life. My cake knife hand should be locked up with Charles Manson.

I took a writing class this summer with Lisa Russ Spaar at UVA (namedrop!), and one day she brought in a blue 80s ankle boot and told us to write a scene or a poem about it. So I wrote about a Peace Corps volunteer’s more fashionable sister. Last night when I saw my mom at a cocktail party at a nursing home, she said that maybe my sister Margaret shouldn’t see my blog because of my blue boot story. Granted, Margaret is extremely well dressed and likes to shop, but she is not the sister in the story. Margaret was far from my mind when I wrote that story. For one, I could not see Margaret in those blue boots. They just wouldn’t work on her wide-set feet. For two, Margaret studies Geography and she is way more globally aware than I am. The other day Darren pointed toward the mountains and asked “What’s in that direction?” All I could think about was walking in that direction until you wrapped around the earth and arrived back where you started. I could not mentally remove myself from the small plot of land where I was standing in my swimsuit. Anyway, I don’t think either sister in the story is very sympathetic, whereas Margaret and I are both really awesome and humanitarian. So take that, Mom.

This Vanity Fair article will make you sick to your stomach. If you stare at the photograph of Kevin Federline, Pete Wentz, Steve Aoki, Benji Madden, Cisco Adler, and Joel Madden long enough, you will definitely lose your breakfast.

I’m so pissed that when I Google my name, my blog does not appear. What does appear is a page that has haunted me since college – “WISTAR DESTROYS EVOLUTION.” Darren says that sometimes it takes more than 24 hours for a new web page to show up in searches. Someday I hope to beat the Wistar rat (link is awesome for word “odontoblast”) in Google rankings.