Tag Archives: Grand And Historic Proclamations

Two Thousand Mine

Last year I had to share the spotlight with the following:

1) a heroic turtle

2) a rapper and his meme

3) some buzzwords

4) a hard rock fighter pilot

5) Chicken Cheeks

6) car accidents

7) sadistic devices

8 ) my husband’s genius

9) Asses of the World

10) conflicting advice about my blog

11) Between Two Ferns

12) a 12-year-old food critic and his movie deal

13) Chinese Democracy

14) R&B animatronics

15) a heroic dog

This year I suggest that we get over the above items and focus solely on me and my business. If last year’s theme was animal heroism, this year’s theme will be how much more prolific and enduring I am than heroic animals. Happy New Year, my people! I’ll see you in the figurative pool filter of 2009. I’ll either be the one holding you up or keeping you down.

Let’s streak the Downtown Mall

Who’s with me?

My too-tight Obama t-shirt fits me just fine

I ordered a Size Small t-shirt from Barack Obama headquarters because even though I am a sophisticated woman in my late 20s, I still sometimes forget that I cannot wear the cute things I see in Limited Too and Gap Kids. So now I have this teeny-tiny Obama t-shirt that I can only wear under a v-neck sweater because otherwise my belly button shows.

But you know what? So what if my belly button shows! I will proudly wear my Obama half-shirt that says to the world, “This girl believes in all that is right and good in America even when it comes in the form of a glorified sports bra.”

I know that politics is inherently divisive and the last thing I want to do is alienate any of my readers (or my family members) who aren’t hugging Obama to their chests with the same shrink-in-the-wash fervor that I am. But I’d be betraying my principles* if I didn’t blog a little bit about my guy this campaign season.

This morning I read Colm Toibin’s essay “James Baldwin and Barack Obama” in the New York Review of Books. When Toibin was here in Charlottesville for the Virginia Festival of the Book, he spoke about Baldwin’s influence both on his character and on his writing. The fact that parallels can be drawn between Baldwin and Obama puts me in a happy place.

Baldwin and Obama, although in different ways, experienced the church and intense religious feeling as key elements in their lives. They both traveled and discovered while abroad, almost as a shock, an essential American identity for themselves while in the company of non-Americans who were black. They both came to see, in a time of bitter political division, some shared values with the other side. They both used eloquence with an exquisite, religious fervor.

Coibin continues:

Had their ambitions been less focused and their personalities less complex, Baldwin and Obama could easily have become pastors, preachers, leaders of black churches. But for both of them there was a shadow, a sense of an elsewhere that would form them and make them, eventually, more interested in leading America itself, or as much of it as would follow, than merely leading their own race in America. Both of them would discover their essential Americanness outside America, Baldwin in France, the home of some of his literary ancestors, Obama in Kenya, the home of his father.

(I could crib the whole essay or you could read it yourself on a more reputable website.)

The point of all this is, if we’re going to have a political wet t-shirt contest, I want to be in Panama City flaunting the logo of the candidate who can be compared to one of America’s greatest writers, not in a town hall meeting flaunting the logo of the candidate who can be compared to George W. Bush or to “a sock puppet with two glass eyes.”** May the best man win!

*One of my lesser principles is “Vote for the Good-Looking Guy.”

**Quote by my future husband, who chose malicious wit over a t-shirt campaign.

Being behind on the internet but on top of my personal life

The worst thing about being a blogger is that the internet keeps going even when you’re too lazy or busy to check on it. At any given moment bloggers feel pressured to know exactly what the internet is doing, who the internet hooked up with the night before, what the internet ate for breakfast, etc. It’s exhausting. And if days go by without tracking every internet hiccup or virtual bowel movement, you feel like you’re a bad blogger. You’ll never catch up with all the action. There are too many missing links.

That’s why I’m going to take one more day to focus purely on me, myself, and my personal life – subjects that will always be fresh and exciting to us all. Namely, I’m recently engaged to be married to the bbf (blogging boyfriend). Or is he now the bfh (blogging future husband)? Or perhaps the bbr (blogger with buyer’s remorse)?

But hold your gift baskets! Recork the Cristal! Cancel your order for the matching china set from the Pottery Barn! We are determined to do this as minimally as possible. You can just send cash or check to my PO box.

In the coming months I will discover what engagements and weddings are all about. I will finish reading Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I will send all my two dozen bridesmaids to the spa to get Botoxed at their own expense. I will coach my uppity flower girl to act less adorable so she won’t eclipse me on my special day. I will sample frosted layer cakes and brag to you about how delicious they are. Finally, I will admit to the bbf that I’m not actually pregnant with triplets or going to war but unfortunately he can’t revoke the proposal because the wheels are already in motion.

I am the prettiest princess! It’s me! In your FACE, less pretty princesses!

What Would Emily Gould Do?

“WWEGD?” I ask myself in the midst of a major personal issue. Emily Gould would blog it to high heaven. But I am a woman who first revels in, then learns from, other peoples’ mistakes. Hence I will not blog about what’s On My Mind. Blogging about not blogging about something is a happy compromise. Says Emily:

I think most people who maintain blogs are doing it for some of the same reasons I do: they like the idea that there’s a place where a record of their existence is kept — a house with an always-open door where people who are looking for you can check on you, compare notes with you and tell you what they think of you. Sometimes that house is messy, sometimes horrifyingly so. In real life, we wouldn’t invite any passing stranger into these situations, but the remove of the Internet makes it seem O.K.

Borrowing this metaphor, I am hereby installing a security system on my blog house. Even though there’s nothing inside to steal but old New Yorkers and sticks of organic deodorant, you now must know a 14-digit code to enter. I also bought a pitbull and some floodlights. There might be booby traps in the garden. But their main purpose is to keep me safely inside, eyes always peering through the window blinds, finger always poised over the burglar alarm.