Tag Archives: Minutiae

Blogging Olympics

It’s not exactly the blogging Olympics over here, but things happen occasionally.

I just discovered that the 10,000 Maniacs song “Because the Night” is actually a Patti Smith song. Thank you, VH1 Classics.

I felt pity for our neighborhood derelict who huffs paint in the sun all day wearing a black hooded parka. I almost gave him some food from my grocery bag when I walked by him today for the umpteenth time but I wasn’t feeling generous enough to give him ALL my deli ham and I doubted that he’d want just a handful of wet meat from the pack, so I skipped the charity and went home to make myself a sandwich.

Crossing the town hall square, I think I inadvertently stepped into the photos of at least five Japanese tourists. They must have just climbed off a luxury tour bus en masse. Made me wonder how many photo albums in Japan have featured my angelic visage over the years. Which made me remember my friend Yoshi in England in 1991 and how his mom fed me chocolate-dipped strawberries when I went over to his house for tea. I told you stuff has been happening here.

I lost my wireless connection for two days. Then I discovered the “Wireless On/Off” switch on the side of my borrowed laptop.

Met an Irish man last night who wants to study with Deepak Chopra and psycho-analyze people in bars for a living. This, of course, is right up my alley.

Ran out of novels last week so I’ve been borrowing mass market paperbacks from the English pub’s library. Yesterday I read The Exorcist and today I started The Once and Future King about the young King Arthur. Which would be great except that Disney already told me the whole story.

The girls of Billabong are surfing this weekend in nearby Guincho. I told my older brother and he said “Glad to know the sexualized surfing lifestyle advertising juggernaut that has so successfully sold clothes, sunglasses, and apathy to everyone at Virginia Beach under 25 is now rolling internationally.” We’re just psyched to see hot American babes. It’s so hard being the only one in town. They expect me to wear jean shorts and to order cheeseburgers and to know all the words to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and to be familiar with all the characters in the Dukes of Hazzard. Oh, and to be hot.

Satisfying sound of the day

A fresh bagel, hurled by a bagel-boy, hitting the side of a car filled with college chicks. Thwap!

You people are sick

I’ve put off doing this long enough. I now give you the various search terms that people have put into Google to find my website. These are all legit — straight from my stats page.

“do grown men use baby wipes”
“meth addict dating”
“why are men afraid to have a baby?”
“wife arm wrestling”
“naked children”*
“long pinky nail Mexican man”
“how to shave wistar”**
“she tasted like pumpkin pie”
“my little brother is afraid of babies”
“people giving birth in a hot tub”
“i can has bukkit”
“nova scotia rug hooking blogs”
“she tickled my scrotum”
“my puppy swallowed a bolt”
“untraceable way to kill a maple tree”
“evil fairies”
“fake nail in food”
“biohazard suit”
“show me a walmart shopping list”

I have never been so proud of my blog as I am today.

*This one has been appearing on my stats page from day 1, and it frightens me.

**I assume this Googler is interested in shaving the Wistar rat and not my hairy legs, but you can never be sure.

I’m not interested in becoming a reputable movie reviewer

Therefore I can admit that I am psyched about seeing 10,000 BC tonight at the cinemaplex near Taco Bell. From the moment I glimpsed a preview for this film about prehistoric mammoth hunters, I knew I had to see it in the theater. I feel like all the decades of improvements in film technology, CGI, and digital post-production have been building up to tonight’s realistic depiction of a saber-toothed tiger eating somebody in a loincloth. I also spent many hours reading the Clan of the Cave Bear series when I was a kid, particularly the sex scenes. I just have a thing for prehistory and I am too lazy to be an archaeologist. I like movies and books to do the work of my imagination. Full review to come!

Today’s secret

I don’t hate baking cookies as much as I say I do. I just like the idea of pouting and complaining while wearing a reindeer apron.

Formidable article published on onestarwatt.com

the

Spoiler alert!

(I’ve always wanted to say that.)

On Friday night Darren and I chose to see The Mist without reading a single review of the movie. I thought the preview looked scary and I have liked Stephen King since I was a fifth grader trading his horror novels with my teacher Mrs. Connor. Years later I expanded my literary canon from Stephen King to Jim Morrison’s bad poetry (and for some reason Mrs. Connor then deemed me mature enough to babysit her child), but I still have a soft spot for the creepy books that used to keep me up at night. So imagine my surprise when I walked into the downtown movie theater with my hands full of expensive popcorn and saw octopus tentacles slithering into a grocery store and devouring a teenage stock boy. That sounds kind of cool when it’s written out, but believe me, it wasn’t.

I forget about Stephen King books for long periods of time and then all of a sudden he’s there on my radar writing about evil talking cars or giant carnivorous insects coming out of the mist and I’m like, “Stephen? What happened to the good old days? Have you run out of ideas? Are you just messing with us at this point? Why can’t you smack my primal emotions around like you used to?” King seems like a smart, self-reflecting guy, judging from his Entertainment Weekly Pop of King column, so there must be a reason for these nefarious tentacles that are vaguely linked to some secret military industrial complex in a small town in Maine. Maybe King is working on a much larger, meta horror story, where unsuspecting King readers and movie-goers are sucked into a nightmare of bad dialogue and outlandish visions. We pay $9 for a movie ticket and $14 for snacks and then we are haunted for the rest of our lives by the one time we failed to skim the New York Times movie reviews before date night. At the same time, I know that the director of The Mist probably butchered King’s story. And I know what it’s like to be out of ideas. And one time I was shopping for groceries and a sparrow whizzed right by my head and almost ate me.

Maintenance I wish only had to be done once a year

1. Showering

2. Cooking dinner

3. Combing my hair

4. Cleaning the toilet

5. Putting gas in my car

6. Folding clean laundry

7. Fast-forwarding through the previews on a DVD

8. Brushing my teeth

I would make a really good medieval queen.

Take that, Waldorf school

Today I give you: evil fairies

This is the best one.

New question of the day blog feature

What’s your favorite fish?

a) false albacore

or

b)  menhaden