Day 1
11:17am
Her: Please please please please please please please please call me
Her: I need you to help me with jammies please
Her: Can you please answer me back because I know you’re talking with dada
Her: I’m in my creepy zone mama, so text me back and I’ll say over bloody out
Her: I do not know what I mean what you mean by my teeth are so dry

I’ve read about how scientists are using artificial intelligence to decode the language of whales, bees, and other animals. So one day the animals will be talking, and we’ll understand them all perfectly.

8:33pm
Her: I’m stuck on the toilet you can start without me
Me: Have you turned into your dad?
Her: I know it’s fun E
Her: Sorry
Her: When I was taking my long cut, I found a piece of candy on the table. Can I have it? It’s a chocolate I mean.
Me: lol that’s mine
Her: Call me please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please
Her: I brush my hair and teeth. Just please call me.
Her: I’ll do anything

Now my 8-year-old daughter has a computer on her wrist, into which she speaks her mind, and the output resembles effective communication. The Apple Watch transcribes her thoughts into correctly spelled words, and often punctuates her sentences. I hear a familiar voice in the texts, but the computer is also teaching her its use cases.

Day 2
5:41pm
Her: Hey, it’s almost 6 can we go in soon? [she texts from the back seat of the car I’m driving]
Her: I can’t feel my butt
Her: Still can’t feel my butt
Her: More minutes it’s about 553 or 552
Her: It’s 554 are we there yet
Her: Do you see that bag on the railing across from us? [she texts while we walk from the car to the restaurant]
Her: Really want the avocado with stuff inside when you when he comes around, will you order it for me or I can order it? Whatever you want. [she texts from the restaurant bathroom]
Her: I believe you

She becomes a girl with more demands, because the computer is a demanding tool. She’s learned that she can move me bodily from one room to another just by talking into her device.

9:59pm
Her: You have to
Her: #£6 e_e’ecayA
Her: Christmas tree
Her: Can I have dessert now will you come down now please please please please please

I’ve discovered that she’s very comfortable issuing threats from a safe distance.

Day 3
6:53pm
Her: Fill it up to the top, and never see a light again

I cherish the unsolicited “Love you” texts. And when she recently signed off with “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore” after I won an argument, I was mildly amused. But it’s mostly this:

Day 4
10:13am
Her: Could you please come here and help me get dressed?
Her: I need more help than that
Her: Please please please don’t block me and please please please do more than that getting dressed
Her: Please please please thank you thank you Q I’m begging you

I’m afraid there may come a time when I’ll be floating peaceably in the ocean and a whale will swim right up to me and say in American English, “Please please please please please please please I need you to help me with whale stuff please woman thank you,” and I’ll pretend not to understand.

Man and cat are sick at the same time. It’s either psychic connection or norovirus jumping species. They both puke on the rug. Only one of them has a doctor. The doctor prescribes a liquid diet. A pitbull crosses the doctor’s waiting room on a stretcher. 

Man and cat take similar medicines to feel better. They both suffer from stress. The blizzard had altered routines, concealed hunting grounds. The doctor recommends an aerosol for “enhanced serenity.” Each patient makes room on the bed for the other. They don’t go outside for a while.

Nursing staff is busy. Smooth peanut butter. Cold fresh water. Cuddles. Wet food. Dry food. Bowls to be washed. Bathroom movements to track. Heavy petting. WebMD. 

Man diagnosed cat, which saved cat’s life. Man’s diagnosis remains elusive. Not fair that one patient should recuperate faster than the other. Hot showers help relieve man’s nausea. Tongue laps puddles from the bathtub, wet paws sink into the mat. Man sweats through two blankets and a bedsheet. Cat curls up beside him, smelling of snow.

I hadn’t gone to the cemetery on Christmas Eve, and it was eating me alive. I kept postponing to the next day and the next day. It was raining. No fresh-cut lilies. No great urgency because he was dead. But I kept getting this feeling like he’d been expecting me at that particular time and place. (I always visit on Christmas Eve. It’s been our thing since he died.) So I made this tentative plan in my head to show up on New Year’s Eve.

But that day I worked late and we were due at a family dinner party. Our schedule kept getting tighter and tighter. Plus we’d had a literal thunderstorm with literal lightning. So that meant soggy graves, umbrellas, a wet and whiny daughter, tracking mud through the party, etc. I was about to postpone again when I looked out my office window and saw a double fucking rainbow. I’d known I was late, but I hadn’t realized I was double-rainbow late. I promptly shut down my work computer and got everyone in the car.

The sky was blue now. The rainbows were fading at my back, having done their job with the light. I chose tulips at the store because my mom had told me they keep growing after they’re cut.

At the cemetery, Matt said he’d stay in the car so my daughter and I could “have a moment.” He was enjoying a new tin of snack mix at the time. My sweet girl came with me to the grave, wrapped her arm around my waist for a cuddle, then let go to do the flowers. I heard the car window unroll outside the cemetery wall. “Hug her again!” Matt shouted at our daughter, pointing his phone at us from the idling car. She dutifully hugged me again for the camera.

When I was online later that night, the double rainbow was all over my local feeds, and I realized that I hadn’t thought to take a picture. Matt hadn’t either, even though he’s a photographer and we’d marveled together about how loud the colors were. But at the cemetery he’d insisted on capturing the small arc of our daughter’s arm, and the sun bouncing off our hair, as if to prove that we’d gotten the memo from above. Now I’ll always have an image of that feeling that we’re still living parallel to the dead, that the dead still know how to summon us to their sides, even though it may just be a trick of the light.

On Christmas night, I kept finding more caramel down the front of my shirt. Surprised me every time. I’d only had four fistfuls of cake. I thought they’d all made it into my mouth. And yet when I slipped off my turtleneck dickie worn in tribute to Cousin Eddie, I found a chunk of caramel frosting mashed into the bib. I thought that was the end of it, then more frosting turned up inside my shirt when I put on pajamas. And it wasn’t until the next day that I found my bra encrusted with caramel as if I’d been stuffing cake down my cleavage all night. What kind of party was this? I blame my sister.

We’d both seen the ad for the bed of nails. “Another thing to try to relax you,” I said, thinking of the probiotics and the massage guns and the neurofeedback device that sits like a crown on his head. Where does it all end? I looked at my beautiful, high-strung boy, who’s equally triggered by love and traffic. “Sold,” I told him. “I’m just going to relax you until you’re dead.”

I’ve decided to write some useful content for once. But then I’ll conclude my post with personal observations that are both foolish and pointless because that is my brand.

So here are some of the best mysteries and thrillers that helped me endure the pandemic, i.e., turn my brain off for hours at a time. I recommend taking these books to your private islands and secluded beaches this summer. There you can devour them along with the body parts of all the people you’ve dramatically murdered.

The Stack

1. Final Girls, Home Before Dark, The Last Time I Lied, and Lock Every Door by Riley Sager. These novels are twisty, terrifying (especially Home Before Dark), and driven by strong female voices. Still can’t believe Sager is a man.

2. When No One Is Watching by Alyssa Cole. This book just won a well-deserved Edgar Award. The story is darkly real and riveting and as a bonus Cole handles the sexy stuff like the romance ninja she is.

3. The Survivors by Jane Harper. The Dry is still my favorite by Harper, but this one made me start planning a vacation to Tasmania, which is saying something.

4. The Tenant and The Butterfly House by Katrine Engberg. The murders are just okay but I’m down with the detectives and the writing.

5. The Inspector Lynley series by Elizabeth George. SO GOOD. Read them in order. George will repeatedly break your heart, but the journey is worth it.

6. All of the Fjallbacka books by Camilla Lackberg. Lackberg is an OG with a uniquely deviant imagination.

7. The Last House Guest by Megan Miranda. Rich people, coastal vacation homes, unsolved homicides. Kind of predictable, but you read on.

8. The Devil and the Dark Water by Stuart Turton. Needlessly complex at times, but super interesting if you like wooden ships and the supernatural. Couldn’t get through Turton’s other elaborate mystery, The 7.5 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle, because I’m too basic.

9. Theo Cray and Jessica Blackwood and Underwater Investigation novels by Andrew Mayne. I think Mayne was the first author I binged via Kindle Unlimited. Mayne is an honest-to-god magician who dives with sharks and writes all these books about serial killers just so he can give every antihero a happy ending.

10. The Dublin Trilogy (actually four novels) by Caimh McDonnell. These “darkly comic crime thrillers” are just fun. Sharp writing and lovable, over-the-top characters.

11. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

12. The Trap by Melanie Raabe

13. The Magpies by Mark Edwards

14. Every Last Fear by Alex Finlay

15. Proving Ground by Peter Blauner

16. The Red Lotus by Peter Bohjalian

17. The Boy in the Suitcase by Lene Kaaberbol and Agnete Friis

I’ve also read a lot of mysteries that were meh. I could put them in a listicle as well, but I’m trying to offer quality content today.

Meh Things I’ve Read and Said During the Pandemic

is a headline that would be followed by a billion boring things. Like for instance I’m between mystery books right now so I just read an entire bathing suit catalog marketed to women who have birthed children. In the catalog photos the sea breeze catches the hems of the models’ tie-dyed sarongs and maxi dresses and their bikini tops peek out flirtatiously from under their ombre macrame crossbody blouses and their strappy sandals sink into the wet sand and the ocean sparkles behind them and I’m just flipping the pages thinking, “It’s only a matter of time before your naked bodies are found creatively arranged in dumpsters and only a psychologically damaged FBI profiler with a secret past can figure out why.”

When my daughter finally returned to preschool last week, her teacher asked her to tell the class about her family. She said, “My dada works at a knife company and my mom likes to shop.” Thank you, Pandemic Year, for blessing me with the opportunity to show my impressionable young daughter all that a woman is capable of being.

I do, in fact, buy a lot of stuff. It’s mostly food and medicine, with some frequency. I don’t collect records. I don’t care for expensive electronics. Coffee is good, bought in bulk when on sale. If I get a fungus on one of my more prominent toes, I will splurge on some generic ointment from CVS. And that’s about it except for my Goodwill habit, which sees me buying used clothes and storybooks every other week for my daughter. But I didn’t set foot in a Goodwill until I was vaccinated. Then I went nuts, spending $5 on one visit, $3 on another, always rounding up to help “fund job training” even though we all have our suspicions. Our house contains a lot of old plastic toys with the price stickers still on them, which will save Goodwill employees time when I disappear the toys back to the donation center while my daughter is at preschool.

Right now I’m shopping for a job. I’ve had a few interviews and they all go the same way. 1) I put on lipstick. 2) I babble into my computer for 30 minutes with the expectation that the hiring manager or VP or whoever will find me so charming and human and real that they’ll hire me on the spot. 3) I don’t get hired. 4) I remember that I am now 40, devoid of youthful charm, and I didn’t go to personal branding college, and being a human is not actually a qualification. It’s like, the lowest bar. Lower than a machine. Lower than a fungus. But you also risk “underselling” yourself if you begin an interview confessing that you are lower than a fungus.

And yet you only have to get hired one time, by one company, and then you’re suddenly Employable and Professional again and people like your 4-year-old daughter can respect you. I imagine it’s a transformative experience. Probably really good for one’s self-esteem.

Interview Tips

1. Don’t say the first thing that pops into your head. You are not blogging.
2. Don’t lead with your greatest weakness, like that you have a Goodwill shopping addiction, or that you’re a loser.
3. You can try to be funny for precisely 28 seconds, then you need to talk about your marketing experience.
4. Stop taking nervous sips of iced coffee from your Yeti thermos because they’ll assume there’s vodka in it and come to think of it you’re acting drunk.
5. Don’t cling to your daughter when you pick her up from school as if your entire identity depends on her.
6. Don’t lose career momentum during a once-in-a-century pandemic.

Our new neighborhood has a micro-kinder-culture that celebrates decorative crocs, hoverboards, and worms. Small posses of children migrate from house to house, rolling as if weightless on their electric craft, stomping across lawns in their spangled rubber shoes, overturning every brick and paving stone in their neighbors’ backyards, yelling “Jackpot!” when they find a particularly long and/or swollen earthworm, then triumphantly absconding with the squirming creatures in their soiled hands.

Where do the children go when they leave us? I couldn’t say. I have not been to their homes. I have not stolen worms from their yards. It’s just not a thing where I’m from. As a progressive woman of middle age, I try to tolerate the foreign neighborhood kinder-culture, but I also find myself feeling threatened in the midst of this constant earthworm transport. Especially because we are still fighting a pandemic that was probably started at a wet market. I don’t know what these kids are doing with these live worms, if they’re selling them to restaurants or what, but I feel that it’s only a matter of time before a disease jumps from worm to kid, or god forbid from kid to worm. Then what?

That is a rhetorical question. We all know what will happen. Little worm hospitals. Tanks of oxygen the length of their slimy, unfurled bodies.

By the way, my mom told me recently that when she was little she ate a roly-poly on a dare and she is like a different person to me now.

Many years ago I applied for a job as a clickbait writer and when asked to pitch an irresistible headline, I enthusiastically offered:

The 5 Most Batshit Things Ever Found Inside a Vagina 

and the man didn’t hire me, but that is because he was sexist against vaginas and didn’t grasp the mass appeal of my horror stories about gynecologists digging plastic baby dolls out of schizophrenic women’s birth canals.

One of my roles as a health and wellness content provider avidly pursued by the Industry is to feed the sales funnel with quality stories about perverse foreign objects wrenched out of vaginas so key marketing personas can’t help but share the copy throughout their social media channels and then click upon the CTA. What’s the craziest thing YOU’VE ever found in YOUR vagina? these personas ask their ten million followers on Twitter. And suddenly I have sold a ream of Victoria’s Secret MedTech underwear and the world is my oyster.

Hey hiring managers! My kid is finally back in school. I am looking for jobs with short hours and long pay. Thank you in advance for your etc., etc.