Archive > August 2007

Fake nail etiquette

When you are at a lovely dinner party, do not interject during dessert – “Oh shit my pinkie nail just popped off.” I didn’t know this would be such a big deal, but Selvi explained to me that people still have a hard time distinguishing acrylic nails from real nails. They don’t want any kind [...]

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I am a real woman now

For the past three years, my fingernails have been a popular topic of conversation in my household. My fingernails: Are they in my mouth again? Are they being shredded by my cuticle nippers? Will they ever look normal? Can you please stop gnawing at them – I’m trying to watch TV without getting grossed out. [...]

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Everyday objects made religious

toilet = Taolet tuba = tubbha

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It’s not just our vestigial tails

List of human evolutionary leftovers.

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Hey Rolling Stone Magazine

I know you’re ultra liberal and in touch with the youth and irreverent and everything, but make up your mind whether you want to try for a serious piece of journalism, or use blow job metaphors and the word “fuck” in your political articles. Rolling Stone writing is the equivalent of your precocious 12-year-old cousin’s [...]

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Signs of a Small Town

You have seen all the local vanity license plates three or four times.

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Haven’t heard from Duane for a while

Here is a Bodo’s bagel for him: ____________ Top half bagel _____________ Smoked turkey _____________ Lettuce ____________ Tomato _____________ Mayonnaise ____________ Bacon (to fatten him up) _____________ Bottom half bagel

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Words I often want to use casually in conversation but then don’t, because I realize at the last minute I don’t know quite how to pronounce them

1. Irrevocable 2. Inconsolable Where are the accents? No matter how many times I look up the pronunciations on Dictionary.com, I still can’t remember. 3. non sequitur (I can never say this word casually enough.) 4. coven (somehow I always find myself wanting to talk about witches, but with a hard or a soft O?)

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The Wife, Part 2

Just finished Meg Wolitzer’s The Wife, and I loved it. It’s not only written in strong, muscular, and beautiful prose so transparent that you can see Wolitzer’s images in your mind’s eye, but it’s also a great story, full of depth and ideas. It has surprises and non-surprises, depictions of gender that resonate as true [...]

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Things I Contemplated Buying Today for Friend Going to Burning Man

1. A childrens’ lunchbox. Nixed because it was too “90s rave culture.” 2. A bottle opener shaped like a flamingo. Beak seemed sharp – dangerous. 3. An envelope for business cards. Is she going to be handing out business cards at Burning Man? Probably not. You don’t want those people knowing where you work. 4. [...]

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