Someone help me cut this sandwich diagonally

Actress Brittany Murphy is causing problems on the set of her new movie, according to Page Six.

“She’s extremely difficult. When she gets to the set, it comes to a grinding halt. She’s so hot and cold, you never know.” According to our sources, Murphy insists on having diagonally cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts removed. “She needs one every hour. It’s painstaking – her assistant takes about a half an hour making each one,” said one crew member.

I’m not a gourmet chef, but I calculate that I could remove the crusts from a sandwich, slice it diagonally, and probably even add a toothpick garnish in less than 30 minutes. I might even be able to accomplish the feat in under 30 seconds. This tells me that I should move to Hollywood, where sandwich-making standards are at rock bottom, and then I could amaze everyone with my godly talent. After I have impressed the celebrities with my de-crusted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I will further blow their minds by sticking a straw into a juice box.

3 Thoughts on “Someone help me cut this sandwich diagonally

  1. You’re so friggin’ funny. If I was a big publishing executive, I’d totally call you up and say, “here, have a big fat lucrative book contract.” : )

  2. Aw, thanks John. From now on, please make it your life’s work to become a big publishing executive.

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