1. If you’re applying to an MFA program at a prestigious university affiliated with Thomas Jefferson, perhaps the fiction you submit shouldn’t be about the following:
a) oral sex
b) dildos made out of balloons
c) shit smell
In case there’s anyone else out there who didn’t know that intuitively, consider this cautionary tale my gift to you.
2. If a big-name New York literary agent tells you that MFA programs are a waste of time, and then two days later you are rejected from an MFA program, guess who is your new hero.
3. Don’t waste your time being hateful, just find out how to be employed during the 08-09 academic year.
4. The best revenge is blogging for the VQR, my spectacular new gig.
5. The second best revenge is curling up on the couch for two hours. That’ll show ‘em! Yesterday I babysat Tula, my sister’s puppy, and she was so happy eating my slipper and peeing in the grass and sniffing dead worms while I miserably buried my head in the couch cushions, and I thought, “There’s probably a life lesson in here somewhere.” But no, in fact there wasn’t. I took Tula home so I could grieve in peace.
02/04/2008 at 9:19 am Permalink
VQR sounds very cool.
MFAs are… well I’m never doing one because I don’t want to listen to other students’ work about anal balloons and shit dildos, I’d rather be making my own. You’re already a writer: you spend your time writing, or thinking about writing, or looking at writing (ie., reading), thus you are a writer.
I’m sorry you got rejected. But this means you get the next year to work as a writer, and your descriptions of poop will only get better as a result.
I think you’ve got the chops.
02/04/2008 at 9:26 am Permalink
Thanks, Alice. Maybe at Nick’s birthday party we can workshop some of my poop stories.
02/04/2008 at 10:05 am Permalink
Well. I assume that one mistake you HAVEN’T made is titling a paper for college,
“Professor X Would Be Easier To Drag iF He Were Dead”.
I did that one for you.
xo
02/04/2008 at 10:50 am Permalink
you are caaaarrrraaazzzaaayyyy! i still wanna read that story… and i can’t go to lunch today because i am still afraid of “c” on your list.
02/04/2008 at 11:09 am Permalink
1. I had assumed a, b, and c were precisely what MFA programs were looking for. Todd Solondz’ “Storytelling” misled me mightily.
2. Exactly.
3. Good thought.
4. Blogging for VQR?? AWESOME! So why didn’t you introduce me to Ted G. the other night?
5. Screw ‘em. And apply again next year!
02/04/2008 at 11:15 am Permalink
Elizabeth,
Ted Genoways was at the party?! I don’t even know what he looks like. You didn’t see me talking to him, did you? He wasn’t the father of one of those little girls I made fun of, was he?
Christos,
I think you smell wonderful. Like children’s artwork.
LB,
We should start a college where the application process requires putting your foot in your mouth. I will be Dean. You will be Professor of Regrettable Paper Titles.
02/04/2008 at 4:14 pm Permalink
He was the fabulously tall and handsome man standing about 12 feet away from us. I was too short and gnomelike to introduce myself to him.
03/04/2008 at 9:02 am Permalink
Here’s Ted.
03/04/2008 at 9:27 am Permalink
Hi Ted! I totally recognize you. Luckily I have not hit you with my car/tried to pick you up/cut in front of you in line at the movies.
03/04/2008 at 8:01 pm Permalink
wistar,
they are dumb. you are better than their program.
03/04/2008 at 10:20 pm Permalink
a) I got an MFA in poetry from GMU and it ruined my writing for a good long while. Everyone was so friggin competitive and anal and trendy it stunk. Your post made me laugh. Feel glad to have skipped it! Go get a degree in something else and then you’ll have something to write about other than writing about writing, which some might find meta - cool but is really solipsistic and boring. and i can’t spell anymore, either.
b) ted genoways is a nice guy.
08/04/2008 at 6:46 am Permalink
that shit story is good. and it has a happy ending too! shit stories should always have a happy ending.