Archive > August 2008

Something cute I fished out of the pool filter today

I opened my parents’ pool filter today and there was this turtle, just barely afloat, with two resourceful friends riding the crown of her back. In the chlorine around them, dead frogs and insects bobbed belly-up, not nearly so lucky. I saved your ass! My mom said this scenario would make a good children’s story, [...]

Continue reading

Democratic National Convention erotica

From a Craigslist NYC ad posted yesterday: Looking for Someone to Recite Pledge of Allegiance While I Masturbate – 28 (East Village) Hello, I am a SWM looking for someone to come to my apartment to recite the pledge of Allegiance while I masturbate to the Democratic National Convention on TV and ejaculate onto an [...]

Continue reading

New trend in weddings: The mini bride

I bought three expensive bridal magazines this weekend so I could include my bedridden Georgia grandmother in my wedding planning. But no one seems less interested in looking at the glossy photos than me and and my grandmother, so I have delegated the wedding planning to Big Wistar’s round-the-clock nurses Elaine and Sheila. Together we [...]

Continue reading

Why elderly ladies in Georgia aren’t voting for Obama

Why elderly ladies in Georgia aren’t voting for Obama: 1. He’ll take all their money. 2. He’s a Muslim. 3. He’ll turn the nation Communist.   Why elderly ladies in Georgia send back their lunches: 1. Not enough sauerkraut on the reuben. 2. They ordered tomato parmesan soup, not French onion. 3. They’re confused by [...]

Continue reading

Catching up on the Olympic Games after not giving a crap for a while

Heartbreaking losses! Heartwarming victories! Kids doing typical kid stuff! Human interest stories about attractive athletes! Scientifically-engineered rain that falls at the same time every day! Al Roker playing badminton! Girls crying! Athletes falling! Two-piece swimsuits! Spandex endorsements! Actors! Cozy American sofa and a bowl of cookie dough ice cream!

Continue reading

Slaughterhouse Highway

The road from Charlottesville, Virginia, to Columbus, Georgia, should be renamed Slaughterhouse Highway. Every other vehicle on Route 29 South is a truck carrying livestock to their imminent deaths. Yesterday I saw blonde chickens with breasts pumped so full of water they could hardly stand upright in their cramped metal cages. I saw cattle stomping [...]

Continue reading

Sad news from a Charlottesville resident

I just heard that LeRoi Moore, sax player for Charlottesville’s Dave Matthews Band, passed away this afternoon. I don’t confess to be the band’s biggest fan, but in my experience the guys and their families are kind, caring, and down-to-earth people. I’m sorry to hear about their loss. My little sister is working the DMB [...]

Continue reading

Being behind on the internet but on top of my personal life

The worst thing about being a blogger is that the internet keeps going even when you’re too lazy or busy to check on it. At any given moment bloggers feel pressured to know exactly what the internet is doing, who the internet hooked up with the night before, what the internet ate for breakfast, etc. [...]

Continue reading

The flying cat lives!

I’m tickled to be back (as of Tuesday) in Charlottesville, Virginia, with a Lisbon cat in my luggage. I didn’t open the bag to let the cat out until last night, and by that time the cat was really hungry. Then she meowed and purred nonstop, drawing excessive amounts of attention to herself until all [...]

Continue reading

Discovering Geoff Dyer in the 2-euro English-language bin at the Portuguese bookstore

I fell in love tonight. It’s not unusual for an overseas tourist to throw her heart and soul into a single night of passion with a man she might never see again. The tourist might meet the beloved in an otherwise empty bookstore beside the most popular gelato joint in town. She might steal superficial [...]

Continue reading

prev posts