Archive > December 2007

If Jesus hung out with me on Christmas, he would get so fat

He’d be like, “We ate an hour ago. It’s time to eat again. Where are the candied nuts?” I’d be like, “Jesus, your pants are starting to look a little tight around the hips.” “Shh,” he’d say. “We’ll talk about it after New Year’s. I’m going to buy a gym membership on the 2nd after [...]

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Christmas wrap-up

My sister gave me the composter I wanted.

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I am most brilliant when I’m sleepy

It was about 3 in the morning when I woke up with an exciting new perspective on human pollution. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be weird if people had special habitats for yawning and sneezing in the same way they have special habitats for peeing and defecating?” Like if someone was sitting at a dinner table [...]

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Cracking nuts

I’ve decided to take the GRE, so there. What are you doing with your life that’s so great? I’m studying basic algebra. Originally this post was going to be about ballet. This afternoon I introduced a three-year-old girl to The Nutcracker with 1977 vintage Mikhail Baryshnikov (swoon!). Everything was going awesome until she asked me [...]

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What am I doing with my life?

What am I doing with my life? Someone please tell me.

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Conversation on a walk with my grandfather yesterday

Grandfather: I have always been impressed with my mother’s managerial skills. Not only did she parent ten children, but she also managed a full household staff. Me: I know! When I read older English novels, I’m reminded of those extra responsibilities of the family matriarch. Like right now I’m reading Middlemarch by George Eliot. . [...]

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How to survive in a small town when you have big city ambitions

I live in a small town where I also happened to be born a baby. I love Charlottesville, Virginia, and so do many respectable magazines, but it is still a small town. When you are young and ambitious, the well of opportunity can sometimes seem to run dry. Especially when you are the type of [...]

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It’s Noelle’s birthday today

I didn’t get her a present this year, because I’d have to send it to Barcelona and I am lazy. I also feel like I have a five-year grace period because of a priceless gift I gave her once. In 2003, when we were roommates in the capital city, I told her that I would [...]

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Self-absorbed party wrap-up

I try to be charming at parties, and yet I always end up dry humping someone by the bar or threatening to steal a girl’s baby. I lose people’s jackets, I feed hyper kids too many cookies, and if certain friends haven’t arrived by a certain hour, I make angry, drunken phone calls demanding their [...]

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Variety does not make up for bad taste

106.1 The Corner, you have been letting me down lately. I finally had to turn you off this afternoon when I heard the DJ say “acoustic Alice in Chains.”

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