YouTube 1.0 = Blogging about tonight’s episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos in real time.
Haha – That kid stuffed toy trucks down his pajama pants before he went to bed.
Haha – That dumbass fell off the roof.
Haha – That trick-or-treater dressed like Gumby tripped on his green legs and couldn’t get up.
I guess it’s a testament to my recent clean-livin’ lifestyle that I’ve been tripping for 12 hours from a single cup of Starbucks coffee. Coffee – this stuff makes you want to stay up all night and blog about your grandmother. Coffee – why didn’t I think of joining the NBA before? Coffee – is that a neighbor’s pet barking at 5 in the morning or is an angry dog waking up in my head? Coffee – is that a bird hurling itself into my window pane at 7 in the morning or is a flock of seagulls colliding with my skull? Also, I should install a pull-up bar in my office doorway and do somersaults around it forever.
I think there should be a website devoted to online content that moms find funny. Then they can stop forwarding said content to their children.
Bats are dying off?! Since when? Why didn’t anyone tell me?! This is unbelievable. I love bats! I could’ve been doing something to save them this whole time!
An early species of hominid had giant brains?! And they were smarter than us and better looking than us and even their babies could probably remember the Pi mathematical constant to the thousandth digit?! And it didn’t occur to ANYONE to tell me this until TODAY?! WTF!
There are ignorant conservative assholes out there hating on Obama and they’re being PUBLISHED?! On the internet?! And I’m only finding out NOW when I could have been making futile online comments this whole time?! FUCK!
This flu lasts over a week?! And no one thought to tell me before I went and got sick?! Screw you guys. Thanks a bunch for keeping me in the dark. Here are some dead bats to represent my indignation:
I’m sick. Sick, sick, sick. And I didn’t want to blog about it, but now I have no choice. Three days of sick.
Day 1 – Hey, I think I’m sick. What a novelty for a girl with a superior immune system. Am I sure I’m not faking it? Yes, I think so. I claim this couch for lounging.
Day 2 – I feel worse. I’m not going to blog about it. Sick-blogging is ranked down there with cat-blogging. I claim this bed for coughing on.
Day 3 – The sickness seizes my throat and the space behind my eyeballs. I drink orange seltzer water. I play with my sister’s new puppy. I finally cave and take medication. Nothing seems to help. I suddenly feel compelled to reach out to everyone on the internet and tell them how sick I am. I claim this blog for your sympathetic reactions.
But no sick-blog can beat Waldo’s epic sick-blog from 2006:
My throat is clogged. It’s as if I’ve swallowed a drain plug. Every gulp is conscious, difficult, near-desperate, the flailing of a decked fish. . .
When I cough, the plug reveals itself to be an oversize rusty bolt, tearing at a shredded windpipe. I fear I might blow it out. I half expect that when next I clutch at my burning throat I’ll come away with a handful of neck-flesh.
I realize now that sickness separates the true bloggers from the internet so-and-so’s, the wheat from the chaff. If you have not yet blogged about your runny nose and your aching internals, you are obviously a dilettante – you probably don’t even own your own domain name. It took me eight months and almost 300 posts to get here, but now you finally get to see me blow snot rockets.