Pregnancy rehab

I have always believed that the surest way for a woman to quit drinking is for her to get pregnant, which is why I encourage all female alcoholics to get knocked up. The same goes for crack addicts. Don’t spend tens of thousands of dollars on rehab; just make the small investment of having a child. Once you’re pregnant you won’t need the same substances that you needed before because you’ll be so high on being a mom.

I have to laugh when I see all those rich celebrities entering Promises or the Betty Ford Center. Use your brains, ladies! Use your brains by using your uterus (uteri?). Your own bodies contain all the tools you’ll need to combat your deadly addictions. And these days semen is so readily available that people are cooking pastries with it.* So please, fertile alcoholics, take my advice by putting down the bottle and picking up a baby. Your liver, if not your progeny, will thank you.

Wait, what’s good advice again?

*Eating semen pastries will not make you pregnant.

7 Thoughts on “Pregnancy rehab

  1. One caveat: getting pregnant will not conquer a Twilight addiction. If anything it will probably make it worse.

  2. i can’t believe that cookbook.

  3. Anonymous on January 20, 2009 at 5:44 pm said:

    Are you knocked up yet? Only a crazy pregnant lady would think this is the best option to curb a crack addition.

  4. I have no such excuse.

  5. nothing will make me click that pastry link.

  6. I totally thought this was a way for you to announce your pregnancy.

    How have you been? how was the wedding?

  7. wonderful post I truly appreciate the info!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Post Navigation