Monthly Archives: October 2007

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Shhh my grandma’s sleeping

October 14, 2007 4:34 pm , 1 Comment ,

When Big Wis is trying to position herself comfortably in her sick bed, she describes it as “scrounging around.”

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This morning at the soccer game I was subbing out with another girl. We were talking a bit too loudly about how good the other team’s goalie looked in his short shorts. “Too bad he’s married,” I said, having seen him around.

“Actually, he’s married to me,” said a girl in cleats on the sidelines. Then she elbowed the hell out of me when I was defending her in the second half. Or maybe it was the other way around.

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I went to bed without dinner last night and before I fell asleep I had visions of eating chocolate chip mashed potatoes.

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I’ve been stalking the writer Stacey Richter on her website. I’ve been leaving her self-obsessed comments meant to show her how clever I am. I hope no one ever does that on my site. Please remember, people, this website is about ME. Unless your comment makes me sound smart, popular, or mentions my cleavage, I am probably going to erase it. Let’s try to get two million viewers tomorrow! I’ll start!

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There’s more

October 13, 2007 10:15 pm , 2 Comments ,

Fuck you cuteoverload.com!

I just found this website tonight. All the About page says is “Catsandbeer.com began as a pet project of Superbad co-creators Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg and evolved into a humor website that has nothing to do with either of them.” Does anyone know what this is about? The website is especially funny because judging from the comments, very few of the site’s readers get the humor. Or maybe I don’t not get it. In any case it’s 10 pm on a Saturday night and I’m now going to bed.

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Obviously I’m staying in tonight

October 13, 2007 10:07 pm , Leave a Comment ,

The Top Ten Rap Songs White People Love:

On House of Pain’s “Jump Around” –

If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it.

If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.

I love the 100+ comments after this piece. One guy writes “How lame am I? I have most of these tracks in a playlist I call ‘Novelty Hip Hop.’ ”

Brian also interviews Beyonce, who says “I is cute, floofy, and wearin’ a blue sweater.”

Then Brian tells an illustrated story of his ethnic heritage.  “People are always telling me to tone it down, saying that I shouldn’t be so edgy and outrageous. Well I say fuck that!”

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Evil sea lions eat penguins

October 12, 2007 10:56 pm , Leave a Comment ,

Planet Earth keeps trying to make me cry, but I know it’s just a movie.

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I wet my bed after I saved your soul

October 12, 2007 9:14 pm , Leave a Comment ,

I’m sitting at home on a Friday night watching ABC because that’s what was on when I came home and I’m too lazy to get the remote from D because he’s on the other side of the sectional couch. Friday night TV is horrible unless you’re into news magazines and/or murders committed by the least likely suspect. But 20/20 just came on and changed my life in an episode entitled “How Young Is Too Young?” I was tuning in and out until halfway through the show, when a seven-year-old, born-again Christian boy started preaching to me out of the clear blue. He had flaxen blonde hair and was wearing a coat, tie, and shiny shoes. He stood in front of his very own church congregation and delivered a sermon about Jesus in a rich Southern accent. Later he was shown wearing a sandwich board in front of an abortion clinic, shouting “Don’t kill your baby!” at women walking in the door. The newscaster asked him if he knew how babies were made. He said no. The newscaster told him she was a Buddhist and asked if she was going to hell. The boy said “Yes, unless you get saved.” The boy said he’s been saved since he was three, when he had a crisis of conscience after he disobeyed his mother. So forget you, Saint Augustine, and your stolen pear. Forget you, Thomas Merton, and your substance abuse problem. You never had to reach maturity to absorb the life experiences and spiritual wisdom that would eventually lead you to the Christian faith. You could have just gotten your redneck fathers to brainwash you with a bunch of Tollhouse cookies and a kid’s illustrated Bible. And oh yes – I found video.

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paper rock blog

October 12, 2007 2:52 pm , 1 Comment ,

Last night D & I sat on the couch after soccer practice and cuddled with our laptops. We find that after a long and arduous day, sometimes the only thing that rejuvenates our spirits is making that quality time with our loved one – the internet. D kept bragging about the awesome blog he was writing (“this blog is so good it’s going to make people have diarrhea”) and I felt inadequate because I didn’t have anything to blog about. For inspiration I surfed the internet, which is less than blogging. [blogging>surfing>programming>?] When D looked over my shoulder and saw that I wasn’t editing a new post in WordPress like he was, he snickered, “Too bad we don’t have a cat or you could be blogging about it.” Tonight I am going to stay in and blog him out of the water. I will blog him until he bleeds. No one gets away with making fun of my blog. I may publish letters written by cats, but I would never give a cat its own post. Unless the cat did something reeeeally cute.  But it would have to be an inordinately slow news day.

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Lead in lipstick

October 12, 2007 11:21 am , 1 Comment ,

I always knew there was a reason why I choose to look so frumpy. It turns out I am a scientist. National news outlets like CNN have been picking up this story today about the presence of unsafe doses of lead in popular lipsticks made by L’Oreal, Dior, and Cover Girl.

More than half of 33 brand-name lipsticks tested (61 percent) contained detectable levels of lead, with levels ranging from 0.03 to 0.65 parts per million (ppm). None of these lipsticks listed lead as an ingredient.

One-third of the tested lipsticks exceeded the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s 0.1 ppm limit for lead in candy – a standard established to protect children from directly ingesting lead. Lipstick products, like candy, are directly ingested into the body. Nevertheless, the FDA has not set a limit for lead in lipstick, which fits with the disturbing absence of FDA regulatory oversight and enforcement capacity for the $50 billion personal care products industry.

Research money is finally going to the study of harsh chemicals in cosmetics, and I couldn’t be happier about it, even though the published findings will continue to be scary. Women (and the men and babies that are kissed and snuggled regularly by women) need to demand that the FDA regulates the chemical content of cosmetics. When harsh cosmetics aren’t swallowed or absorbed directly into the skin, they are washed into our water supply where they cause untold environmental damage.

Here is a great local website – environmentalhealthnews.org – that chronicles the problems in more depth.

Here is a website that will tell you which beauty products are safe and which are not: Skin Deep

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I love you Stacey Richter

October 11, 2007 11:28 pm , 2 Comments ,

I only have one story left to read in Twin Study, and I don’t want to read it because then your book will be over and I don’t know when you will write another one. However in the course of writing this blog entry I discovered all your interviews and Q&As on the Stacey Richter website. I will try not to be entertained to death tonight. You are so special to me. I don’t want to die before you publish a novel.

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Abortion doesn’t quit for lunch

October 11, 2007 1:41 pm , 2 Comments ,

Those protesters are still at it in front of the Planned Parenthood building on Hydraulic Road. I think their numbers are growing. They remind me of the chimpanzee militia in last night’s episode of Planet Earth. The chimps decided they wanted to expand their territory so they raided a fig tree where some other chimps were hanging out and they killed and devoured a young female from the other clan. I know the protesters aren’t eating babies, but they’re still annoying. At the same time I think it’s kinda sweet that they care so much about the youth. Those fetus-happy ladies have to stand on the sidewalk for long shifts, waving signage, shaking their rosary beads, trying to look beatific every time a car honks at them or a passerby gives them the thumbs-up. That must get exhausting.
When the refrigerator repairman came over the other day, we started talking about the Sacagawea protest while he was deep in the freezer. “I don’t get it,” he said. “Who cares about a statue? Now those abortion protesters – at least they’re concerned with life and death.” I didn’t argue with him because all our frozen pizzas were thawing out and I was worried we wouldn’t have anything for dinner. It’s important to stand by your beliefs.

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Wheelchairs should come with seatbelts

October 11, 2007 12:52 pm , 3 Comments ,

Seriously. How else am I supposed to keep my grandmother from falling out when we do wheelies across Locust Avenue? And while we’re on the subject of wheelchair upgrades, have amputees never heard of rims? Or subwoofers?

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